I didn't want to end things with Ginger, not in the least, but I told him as soon as I felt more we'd have to stop. Last night, I felt more. I don't know why or how. I didn't ask for it. He's a great guy. Friend. Lover. He makes it easy to like him and become attached. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I can't get attached. Not just because he's leaving and doesn't want a relationship while he's in the military, but also because I'm scared that I'm not the one he needs.
I'm scared of this feeling. I never expected to meet him and feel so comfortable to leave all of my inhibitions to the side. It sucks. I told him that last night, the best way I could describe this situation. It sucks. He said it's pretty shitty. I also told him... As much as I'd want to tell him I'd wait for him... I couldn't ask that of him nor myself. I wish I could tell him to believe in me, to trust me to know, that I'm not gonna hurt him... But I can't do that, even if it's true. I have stuff I need to do and so does he. I don't want either of us to feel hindered by anything. We're on the same ground. We both essentially want the same thing. Problem is, even though I'm quite logical for a female - I still have emotions. Those emotions have busted through that wall I put up and are effecting me. I shouldn't feel sad or anything. It's more of a disappointment or something ironic. That two people meet and because of how things are, they can't and won't let themselves be together because of a conscious and healthy decision.
The thing is... Is I like him. I like the man he is, I like him as a friend, I like him as a lover, I just simply like him. And that's fine, but when my mind automatically thinks something along the lines of "I don't want anyone else," where I feel a deeper connection that's not just romantic but... surreal, I have to stop. I can't allow it. It's not that I don't want it. I do. I love that feeling. That connection. But it's already going to hurt, and I don't want the pain to be worse.
I'd like to say he feels the same, but he doesn't. At least that is what he says. He says it's easier for him to separate things and that it's better to not hypothesis if things were different because it only complicates things. It does. But a part of me feels that ... That he feels the same thing, but he's just gotta stronger barrier. Though, it could just be what it is.
I don't like to brag about myself. I tend to just brush off compliments and the like... But I'm a great person. I'm nice, sweet, caring. I'm intelligent yet silly. I can cook and I'm fairly attractive. I'm easy to talk to and feel like a genuine person. I have passion and creativity...
I just wonder if he sees that at all. If he sees me. I'm a pretty straight-forward and understanding person. Probably too understanding. I think what I did was right. Not just for myself, but for him too. I respected him enough and cared about him too much to not tell him that I started feeling more. I think if I hadn't, it would have made things go very badly.
What-if's.. I can't help but to think what if this or that. I'm hardwired to think, to question, to see all the different outcomes and yet, I'm foolish to hope for a better ending. Or would it be beginning? I wish I wasn't damaged emotionally. That I was ready. I wish that he wasn't hurt and in the position he's in. But then, I wonder if we weren't... Would I still feel the way I do?
I care about everyone immensely. I shouldn't care so much, though... I do. It's not for a lack of trying. I have tried to not care so much. To only care a certain amount for certain people. And it just never works. It makes me naive...
We've talked basically. There is no other outcome than the one that is laid out before us. He leaves for two years to another country. He doesn't want a relationship as long as he's in the military. Me? I'll be doing my study-abroad and theater work. After the two years? Who knows. I'd like to say if he and I are to meet up again and are living near one another, I'd like to have that chance. The chance at a relationship with him.
I was looking through some astrology stuff and ran across a few statements that I felt described me pretty well:
"Scorpio woman has a glorious womanhood that comes off as sweet natured, perhaps a bit quiet, and very intelligent, but there is much more going on under the surface. She is a truly complicated woman, and one of the most difficult types to understand. A mastermind of understanding the emotions and motivations of others, a Scorpio woman is not readily willing to give up her own. It takes a special type of man to make her feel as though she can sincerely trust him. But during her courtship with the right person she is strongly loyal and fine woman with all qualities of head and heart."
"Lots of love affairs and marriages can’t survive storms, but Scorpio is determined to keep the relationship intact, through her incredible will power."
It's therapeutic reading stuff like this... SIGH. Just gotta know and believe that everything happens for a reason and... if there is meant to be more one day - there will be. I'm still going to be there for him. Still his friend no matter what.
I talked with Michelle the other night about Chris. It helped me a lot. I know that the girl before me messed him pretty bad. No details, just that she did a number on him and that's why he's all anti-relationships. Which part of me makes me feel like, "I'm better than her! I'm not gonna do whatever she did!" But I don't know. >> Still, knowing that and talking with Michelle has made me feel better to a degree.
Like she said, everything happens for a reason.