Friday, September 9, 2011

not knowing who to trust anymore.

I thought I just went through this.

Who to trust, who not to trust. Guess not. For it will always be a guessing game and it could always change.

I'm done though. I'm done being nice and taken advantage of. I'm done being walked over and called countless names just because I give people chances.

I'm done trying to be there for people. I'm done, done, done.

I did everything by the book. It was all laid out. Don't accuse me of something when it's not wrong. Especially in the past, on the same ground, it was done. Now, just because you're pissed you think you can put the blame on me? FUCK YOU.

You think your indiscretions won't come to light? Oh they will. In due time, and not from my mouth. I'll keep my word, it's the only thing I've got, and at least mine is not tainted by lies.

Others may not come to my defense, and that's fine. They've gotta look out for themselves this day in age, but you better fucking believe I'm not going down without a fight. No one falsely accuses me of anything and walks out unscathed. You'll get yours, one way or another. Karma has already decided.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

short update-nowittytitle.

Well, fun stuff.

I am currently working, listening to the GAMECOCK GAME! Yes, I'm a Gamecock fan. Get over it. GO COCKS! I'm pretty excited. Sad that I'm working during the game, but it'll be okay. Lots of friends have already started texting me about parties afterwards. T_T

I'd like to go out, but I went out last night with my friends Therese and her brother Anthony. Met some old grade school friends of theirs, Ryan and Brandon. They're pretty cool dudes. It was a good night all in all, despite the stupidity of work.

Ginger is currently in NC spending time with his family and best friends, Ryan, Michelle, and Matt. They all seem to be having fun, which is awesome. I think they all needed best friend time. :D Ryan got a kick out of the "bat" I got him and his wine. Michelle hasn't opened her gifts yet, but I'm sure she'll let me know. ^^

Cali-Chris and I talked last night. We were catching up with one another and he actually is saying that he wants us to finally come and visit him. This made me ecstatic! I haven't seen him since December, and then when things starting getting worse with his mom and she passed... It took all my will power to not hop on a plane and fly there, right then. So, I was somewhat surprised in our conversation when I usually tell him that if he can't make it out to us to visit, we could always come out there, and he said to come on out! This to me, is HUGE. Why? Because I've been trying for so damn long to go visit him, but never did because he said it wasn't a good time. Now? We are planning a trip so I can come out and visit soon. :D

I don't know how to feel at this point. Lots of ups and downs, thinking and searching. I want purpose. Does everyone have purpose? I'd like to think so.

Friday, September 2, 2011

All good things must come to an end...


I didn't want to end things with Ginger, not in the least, but I told him as soon as I felt more we'd have to stop. Last night, I felt more.  I don't know why or how. I didn't ask for it. He's a great guy. Friend. Lover. He makes it easy to like him and become attached. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I can't get attached. Not just because he's leaving and doesn't want a relationship while he's in the military, but also because I'm scared that I'm not the one he needs.

I'm scared of this feeling. I never expected to meet him and feel so comfortable to leave all of my inhibitions to the side. It sucks. I told him that last night, the best way I could describe this situation. It sucks. He said it's pretty shitty. I also told him... As much as I'd want to tell him I'd wait for him... I couldn't ask that of him nor myself. I wish I could tell him to believe in me, to trust me to know, that I'm not gonna hurt him... But I can't do that, even if it's true. I have stuff I need to do and so does he. I don't want either of us to feel hindered by anything. We're on the same ground. We both essentially want the same thing. Problem is, even though I'm quite logical for a female - I still have emotions. Those emotions have busted through that wall I put up and are effecting me. I shouldn't feel sad or anything. It's more of a disappointment or something ironic. That two people meet and because of how things are, they can't and won't let themselves be together because of a conscious and healthy decision.

The thing is... Is I like him. I like the man he is, I like him as a friend, I like him as a lover, I just simply like him. And that's fine, but when my mind automatically thinks something along the lines of "I don't want anyone else," where I feel a deeper connection that's not just romantic but... surreal, I have to stop. I can't allow it. It's not that I don't want it. I do. I love that feeling. That connection. But it's already going to hurt, and I don't want the pain to be worse.

I'd like to say he feels the same, but he doesn't. At least that is what he says. He says it's easier for him to separate things and that it's better to not hypothesis if things were different because it only complicates things. It does. But a part of me feels that ... That he feels the same thing, but he's just gotta stronger barrier. Though, it could just be what it is.

I don't like to brag about myself. I tend to just brush off compliments and the like... But I'm a great person. I'm nice, sweet, caring. I'm intelligent yet silly. I can cook and I'm fairly attractive. I'm easy to talk to and feel like a genuine person. I have passion and creativity...

I just wonder if he sees that at all. If he sees me. I'm a pretty straight-forward and understanding person. Probably too understanding. I think what I did was right. Not just for myself, but for him too. I respected him enough and cared about him too much to not tell him that I started feeling more. I think if I hadn't, it would have made things go very badly.

What-if's.. I can't help but to think what if this or that. I'm hardwired to think, to question, to see all the different outcomes and yet, I'm foolish to hope for a better ending. Or would it be beginning? I wish I wasn't damaged emotionally. That I was ready. I wish that he wasn't hurt and in the position he's in. But then, I wonder if we weren't... Would I still feel the way I do?

I care about everyone immensely. I shouldn't care so much, though... I do. It's not for a lack of trying. I have tried to not care so much. To only care a certain amount for certain people. And it just never works. It makes me naive...


We've talked basically. There is no other outcome than the one that is laid out before us. He leaves for two years to another country. He doesn't want a relationship as long as he's in the military. Me? I'll be doing my study-abroad and theater work. After the two years? Who knows. I'd like to say if he and I are to meet up again and are living near one another, I'd like to have that chance. The chance at a relationship with him.

I was looking through some astrology stuff and ran across a few statements that I felt described me pretty well:
"Scorpio woman has a glorious womanhood that comes off as sweet natured, perhaps a bit quiet, and very intelligent, but there is much more going on under the surface. She is a truly complicated woman, and one of the most difficult types to understand. A mastermind of understanding the emotions and motivations of others, a Scorpio woman is not readily willing to give up her own. It takes a special type of man to make her feel as though she can sincerely trust him. But during her courtship with the right person she is strongly loyal and fine woman with all qualities of head and heart."
"Lots of love affairs and marriages can’t survive storms, but Scorpio is determined to keep the relationship intact, through her incredible will power."

It's therapeutic reading stuff like this... SIGH. Just gotta know and believe that everything happens for a reason and... if there is meant to be more one day - there will be. I'm still going to be there for him. Still his friend no matter what. 

I talked with Michelle the other night about Chris. It helped me a lot. I know that the girl before me messed him pretty bad. No details, just that she did a number on him and that's why he's all anti-relationships. Which part of me makes me feel like, "I'm better than her! I'm not gonna do whatever she did!" But I don't know. >> Still, knowing that and talking with Michelle has made me feel better to a degree.

Like she said, everything happens for a reason.