Sunday, August 28, 2011

prayers.

My cousins' father passed away this evening at 5:15 pm EST.


I hope to be able to help them if they need/want it. Hopefully without criticism from my mom too. My mom is not exactly "speaking" with this side of the family. She holds a lot of grudges for things, some are rightly so. Still, I don't want to hear any complaints about me helping them out. They're my family too.


I just ask everyone to remember... 
Everyone makes mistakes. Let's learn from them. Admit your wrongs, express your feelings, apologize, and forgive. Be a better person not just for everyone else, but for yourself as well. Remember that things happen, but it is you who decides how to handle them. Hopefully, you make good decisions.


 It's difficult to process everything, especially since tomorrow would be 16 years my grandfather, my mother's father passed away. I wish and pray with every fiber of my being that my mom will let go of this grudge and reach out to her. To express her condolences and let her know she's not alone. To help her with the loss of her father, because my mom could be a great source of comfort and knowledge. Having been through it before.


The only answer I find, is prayer.

rant. pissed. grr. sigh.

DISCLAIMER: I AM IN A PISSED OFF MOOD.

Just warning you guys in case I seem more ornery than usual.

Now, I love my job. I really do. I don't have many complaints. I mean yeah, it frustrates me sometimes and the people annoy me sometimes, but all in all I'm okay. Hopefully, this is just one of those times.

I work with my friend Angel. Whenever she gets pissed, I get pissed. People take advantage of her and abuse her niceness. I HATE THIS. It makes me really angry. Especially when "someone" is scheduling her on days she has class so they can get an extra hour in because they are ALWAYS late.

Our manager is really awesome. He's super nice, and a good guy. But he can not be on time for work to save his life. He's always 1-2 hours late. He bitches about not getting his hours, and other coworkers of ours bitches about him always being late. THEN, he decides to go in for someone else shift and takes the hours THEY need. Only one person gets full time hours = ie 40 hours a week. Because if they others had it, they would get over time because of that person's lateness. Really, we know you have issues. We know you're dealing with stuff. We know it's a difficult time and you're not a morning person. But dude, GROW UP. You're 35 fucking years old. You have a problem sleeping? Get some medicine, nyquil or beer to put you to sleep. Wake your ass up on time and get here when you're supposed to. Because you're fucking up other people's schedules. Making them lose money and making the schedule so erratic, that we can't even go and get a second job if we need to. Angel is going through a tough time and you have her scheduled on days she has classes! WTF DUDE? You're making her lose another 18 dollars a week since you can't be on time and you think that it works out since you're always late. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU. Don't get me wrong, my manager is a great guy, does great things and goes out of his way, but he's fucking with my friend and I don't care too much for that. AT ALL. He wonders why no one listens to him or goes around him, it's because he's not leadership material. If you want me to treat you as a manager, act like one. Show up on time. Make the schedule EQUAL for everyone. Don't make ALL of the females work EVERY WEEKEND. Seriously, not cool. Everyone should have at least one weekend off a month. ><

Also, don't LIE to me. I HATE LIARS. I swear to God, don't fucking lie to me. Because when you lie to me, that gives me motive to make your life a living hell and believe me, I don't like being mean.

Don't sit there and tell me you just spoke to someone when you didn't. Don't put words in other people's mouths just to fit your agenda. By you doing that, makes me lose all respect for you and will make me not want to even be a "team" player. It gives me a reason to be a complete and utter bitch. If you want me to do that, go ahead. Do it. You'll be sorry.

Just one thing after another. It's supper annoying and I hate it.

Tomorrow is going to be hard too. I don't even want to think about it, but I can't help it. Tomorrow marks the 16th anniversary of my Papa's death. 16 years. 16 fucking years. I am still amazed every year that my mother and I have made it through another year without him. If my mom didn't have me to take care of when Papa died, I think she'd have died too. Papa was the greatest man to ever have been in our lives. Mom, to say the least was a Daddy's girl. For me, Papa was the father figure to me. When Mom and Dad were separating and getting a divorce, he was the stable one. He would be there for me like my Dad should have been. And even after he passed away, he was still better than my stepfather. Now, my stepfather is an amazing man to have put up with my family and take care of us. But he's not my Papa. I appreciate him but, not nearly as much as my grandfather. UGH.

You know what else? My Aunt's daughter, her father is in the hospital... on life support. He had a nasty fall three weeks ago and has been going down hill since... I've been praying for him, even against my mother's wishes. He apparently was not a great husband to my Aunt and was very abusive. Still, he's my cousin's father, and she's a nervous wreck. :\

My mother is still having problems with my sister which is another LONG story.

The bridal shower I went to yesterday for my friend, was nice but I learned that someone I strongly dislike will be at the wedding now. >> Granted, it shouldn't effect me going, but knowing that person and how they are... It would be a bad idea if I did. So now, I'm debating on going or not. Maybe I could just go for the ceremony, ya know? I don't like being put in awkward situations or anything of the sort. ><

My best friends Jasmyn and Mike are moving in a month.. MOVING. To West Virginia, about ten hours away. I'm kinda sad about this. I don't want them to go. She just got a really good job and her relationship with Mike is better than ever. But, her step mom really wants to be closer to her teenage daughter and since Jasmyn and Mike are trying to save money, they'd move with them. Who am I going to go to randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning? Who am I gonna be able to cook and joke around with about everything? It's rather depressing. I mean.. I'm happy that they are happy, but still... I'm gonna miss them.

Which brings me to Chris - Ginger. He too, leaves next month. I don't know how to feel about this. I mean, I have this feeling where I'm sad and I know I'm going to miss him... but I don't know. Last week was great though, I got to talk to one of his best friends Michelle, and she's super sweet. Her and I have an insane amount in common. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were separated at birth. Hopefully we can continue to get to know one another and become really good friends.

I then wondered if I was sort of a substitute for her. If he was only around me because I reminded him of her. He said no. I told him it was okay if he did, but that he should probably talk things out with her if it is something more. Not to mention, if he decides to be intimate when he leaves this weekend to visit - to tell me. Because I would not be able to keep doing what we are doing. I value my health too much and it's not that I don't trust either of them to use protection, I'd just rather avoid it all together if need be. Granted, I can't tell him, "Don't sleep with anyone but me." But I can say, "if you do end up sleeping with someone else, tell me - because if I find out through other means and you were screwing me along with them, I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face...>>"

Then when I think of this, I feel really bad. I have no "claim" on him. He can do whatever he wants. I just want to know, so that way I can keep myself safe. A part of me feels protective over him too, like he's a possession. Which he's not, and I know that, but instinct is telling me, "This one is mine." Even though I know he and I are nothing more but.. friends. Sadly.

Though the difference is, is that if he wasn't leaving and I wasn't scared shitless, I'd try and be with him in a heart beat. If he had that choice, I don't think he would. Which is fine. It goes back to what I said before, you can have two people are right for one another - but it not be the right time.

Part of me just wants him to tell me how he feels. The other part? Wants him to just keep doing what he's doing. 

All I want right now? Is to spend time with him. Laugh, joke, play and just be us. I want what little time I have left with him to be great, because I'm afraid that this will be it. He and I won't have it ever again. I want to treasure it, because he's such a unique person. I'm even trying to organize a few things for him, before he leaves. I know he hasn't enjoyed his stay here in SC, so I want to give him a proper farewell. Let him know that he does have friends here and to not forget about us.

I'm hoping that this won't end up the same way as Cali. That he'll actually stay in touch and call if he needed us. I have hope, but I'm not expecting anything. He has given me his word that he'll stay in touch, and that's all I need. If he doesn't, then I can say whatever. Hahaha. >>


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

bigupdateeeee!

Okay. BIG UPDATE. Right? Right.

First things first: My sister's husband got good news yesterday, REMISSION. I'm so freaking flippin' happy. They really needed this. :D It makes me feel more at ease now, and hopefully the stress will die down and my sister can get some rest.

Second: Vegas was pretty awesome. Aside from the fact that the group I was with left me alone on the strip at 4 am FAR AWAY from our hotel.. Well, let me rephrase it. It wasn't so much a group decision as it was Rob's. SIGH. Long story short, he left me-I was mad-I got to the hotel first-slapped him when he got there-chaos ensued-yelling, crying, screaming-then forgiveness. OR SO I THOUGHT. After we got back home, it blew up again and am now no longer on speaking terms with anyone except Ada. Which is sad. Because I do miss them and care about them. I already admitted my faults and wrongs, and yet they can't...>> SIGH. I couldn't keep taking the hostility and verbal abuse. So, defriended and became kinda sorta depressed. >>

But, that's besides the point. Vegas was awesome. It is 24/7, non-stop. Saw Cirque de Soleil : LOVE. AMAZINGSHOW. Probably one of the most amazing things to witness. EVOwasINTENSE. Seriously, I was inspired to take up the fighting game world and work to go to it next year. Though, I may put that on hold. Other things are more important. The heat wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be either. It was much better than here.

Thirdly: I have been seeing someone for a little over a month now. NOW NOW. He's not a boyfriend, but a friend. We met at a house party back in late June/early July. Started hanging out more and... yeah. His name is Chris. (I KNOW! ><) But I call him Ginger, because he has red hair. ^^;

What all can I say about him? There's so much and yet not enough. I hit it off with him immediately and we both like one another and have told each other this. One little problem... He leaves for Korea next month. (AGAIN, I KNOW) Okay, big problem. He's in the military and will be stationed there for two years. We both talked about it and said that it's not the best idea to start a relationship, the chances of it failing are a lot higher than most. And I'm okay with that.

So, you would think knowing all of this I would step away and not get to know him more or anything. Especially with what happened with Cali Chris, but... I don't know. There is something about Ginger and I didn't want this moment to pass me by. I didn't want to regret anything. With that, I've explained that all I want is to spend time with him as much as possible before he goes. Not to change his mind about wanting more with me, but because I know if I held back again, I'd be a complete wreck. Maybe it's hormones or something. That COULD be it. Though, I've shut down guys before this. I just... I trust him. Which freaks me out. I feel comfortable with him yet anxious. And you know what? Even if we just stay friends, how we are, I really think I'd be okay with it. I mean, yeah it sucks that we can't pursue anything more than what we have because of where we are at in our lives, but it is what it is.


I'm beginning to learn and understand that two people could meet and be so right for one another, and it not be the right time. I've met two people like that in my life. Coincidentally enough, both of them are named Chris. The differences are that the situations and life changes they are going through. Cali having to move back home, cross-country, to help with his dying mother. Taking care of his father now in the aftermath of her death and finding out he too has cancer now. Ginger, in the military, contract, being stationed in another country, Korea.

Then again, who really knows?

Perhaps, I'm just too emotionally challenged/damaged to see the real picture.

But, I'm pretty happy. Even though he's leaving, I've had an amazing time with him and hope to have a long lasting friendship with him.