Tuesday, January 4, 2011

the new year of 2011

I can honestly say, after looking back on 2010, it was far better than 2009. Yes, there were ups and downs, trials and tribulations. But all in all, I stayed sane and kept my morals.

Christmas was celebrated a day earlier than normal because of me having to work, and it actually went okay. None of us got in a bitching fight. (Mother, Sister, Myself) It was really nice and quiet, and I even got to go to a friends Christmas party that their family hosted.

As Christmas flew by, snow came the day after. It was something I had not expected, honestly. For me to wake up and see snow, on the ground that was more than an inch, AND it was sticking? HECK YEAH. Though, I was still getting over a cold, I decided to curl up by the fireplace, read and watch the snow fall outside.

New Year's was spent in Charleston with some of my awesome friends. Jazzy and Mike. I was pretty excited, and it was a fun time. Just didn't feel like a New Year when we rang it in. Perhaps it was due to me drinking 3/4 of the Rum... But all in all, we danced, joked, laughed and had a nice time.

Now, It's officially a new year and it still feels like I was in the same place I was a year ago. Almost.

The months that I had been absent from the blogging world, I was in a pondering mode. Quite frankly, I still am. I've looked within myself to figure out if there was something wrong with me, what I needed to do and not do, all that stuff. Soul searching may be a term applied here. Then again, it's all relative.

I've delved deeper into my thoughts and memories, trying to reach a point where I can pinpoint something that may still be affecting me today. And after all that, I've finally had peace with myself.

Learning things, especially after actions have been taking, seems hard. Over the summer, my friend Jazzy and I took out a few days to go to the beach. We wanted to just get out, clear our heads and relax. Along the way, after much talking and deliberation, I realized I've never been in love. I've just always loved everyone unconditionally. It was never the love that... That was true. I think about it and I remember that the love of God is more than you can ever experience. It trumps whatever it is we feel for others here on Earth. But that there is that once in a lifetime love, pure, innocent, meant to be - that can almost rival it. That is what I've always thought I've felt for the men I've been with, and it hasn't. I'm a deeply caring individual and would do anything to make any relationship I have, work. Whether it be friends, family, lovers... It just doesn't matter to me. I also realized that I would probably never have the love that others experience, because of this. It's not that I don't want it, it's just... There is a difference when loving someone and being in love with someone. I've just always loved. I've never been in love. And you know what? That's okay. Some people say it's a shame or maybe I'm just jaded, but it doesn't matter. I'm okay in knowing that. Why? Because I know that if I am meant to fall in love, I will. I will know that it was not forced, that it happened because that is how fate works. And if I realize it, I will follow it and make my destiny with that person. Until then, oh well.

Speaking of fate and destiny. I've started a play on it. Mostly as a creative outlet for certain things, but mainly because I've been inspired by someone to the point that I have never felt before. Now, now. I am not in love. So you girls just shush. I guess you may wonder, who is this person? How did this start? Blah, blah, blah...

Back in October, around Midterms, I was writing a paper for my Detective Fiction class. Oh yes! It gave me some good input on the murder-mystery play I was writing and still writing! Anyway, I'm in the middle of doing this at home on a Friday, when my friend Amber calls me up and asks what I was doing. I tell her about my papers and she insisted on me coming out to hang with her and her mom, because they were going out to their friends pub and was celebrating a birthday with another friend. I wondered who and if I knew them and I didn't. I then proceeded to tell them I may go, it just depends on how long it was going to take me to finish my paper. They thought by saying the birthday boy was cute and my "type" it would get me to come out sooner. It didn't, it earned a quick and stern reply, "I don't want to date, period. I'm fine with how things are. And I'll have every intention of hating him now." Lots of laughs, right? Right. Well after a few hours of writing and then showering, and phone calls later, I was told to please come out at least for a drink. I said okay, but no match making or anything of the sort. I walked in to the establishment to see my friend and her mom, told them hello along with our usual hugs. Then, then I was introduced to the birthday boy, Chris.

My first thought was, "Oh dear God, what did I get myself into?"

We just exchanged greetings, and I was sitting on the other side of Amber, farther away from Chris, seeing as how her mother had her stuff between Amber and Chris, sooooo I sit down with my drink. Only to have Amber's mother, Debbie, ask very loudly "Why aren't you sitting next to Chris?" Now, we all know I'm not shy. Not by any means, but this... This made me blush and look like a dense blonde. Saying things like, "Well that's your seat!" Only to get replies, "So? I don't care, go!" It all came down to them taking my coat, purse and drink - setting it beside Chris, and pulling me off the stool and making me sit next to him. All the while, this boy is laughing. I'm completely embarrassed at this point and just kinda got smart with him. Which we ended up talking for... HOURS. We danced and hugged and yes, kissed. But it's just not what I expected. I was still firm in not wanting to be in a relationship but I also didn't want to just not be near him because I was afraid. Especially knowing he'd be leaving in a few weeks to go back home to California to take care of his mother who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

The month I was with him, I didn't want it to end. It hurt to see him go, but I knew he was doing what he needed to. I had become close with him and he became a dear friend of mine. We talked and had a lot in common. Shared experiences and just... Had a lot of fun. A lot of our mutual friends think and still think we are meant to be, that we are in love and all that.. But, I don't think of it like that. I believe I found someone who I connected with, who I care about deeply. Yes, I've never felt like this before - where while I'm completely selfless - I just... I'm happy just knowing that I met someone that I felt so close to on so many different levels. And while it was brief, it's okay. Because I at least know that there are amazing people out in the world like him, and it is an honor that I got to meet him before he started out on his journey back to his parents.

I still talk with him every now and then, not like when he was here. But, it's enough. He's got a lot of things going on, and I know he wouldn't want any of us here to worry so much. He keeps people at a distance. Always. I understand it, I've told him though... that I would always be there. He has said that he's heard it before and it never happens and I just laugh, telling him he just hasn't met anyone like me.

At the beginning of December, my friends won tickets to see Conan on TBS. They offered me to come with, to LA, California. Where it so happens that he lives. It was a weird coincidence. I got to go, had a wonderful time exploring, and even got to meet up with Chris. It had only been three weeks since I had last seen him, and I just couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy that I was there, that I could hug him. He looked so tired, and even like he lost a lot of weight in just that short amount of time. But I tried to not get him to think too much about things going on at home. I wanted him to have a nice dinner with a friend with lots of laughs. Because apparently, it's my goal in life to amuse him. Haha.

Perhaps, it showed him that I was there for him despite past experiences. Without any personal gain for myself either. I mean, I'm not going to deny that I would love to be with him, but I know it's not the time nor place to be like that. It's not within our means right now, and I'm okay with that. I just want to be there for him as a friend if he so happens wants to talk about everything or just to get his mind off things. That's what I'm here for.

Hopefully, his mom will pull through this, despite the doctors prognosis. He told me that she is not going to do chemo anymore after this week, and that the doctors expect a drastic change in her health. Which means it could mean a matter of weeks instead of months. All I can do is pray to God. Pray that he will take care of her and him and the rest of their family. To just open their hearts to others that want to be there for them. To accept and know that while this is heartbreaking, that she will no longer be in pain and she will finally have eternal life with God.

I pray and pray. Even naively, to the point that I ask God if he could, take my breath away and breathe new life into her lungs. Just because I know that losing someone so close to you, your mother, must be one of the worst things to experience. Especially at an age where you want them to be there so they can see your own family that you produce later on. I know that I'd go crazy if it were to happen to my mother. It would literally be just... horrible. I can't imagine life without her, and I can only... I just can't... For what he is going through, he has such tremendous strength. Such a pure heart and he's completely inspiring.

I ask those who still read this thing from time to time, to say a prayer to the ones who have been touched by cancer. Whether it be yourself, a friend, a family member.. To just pray and hope that there will be a cure, that until the find it, to have peace in knowing that God will help. Even though it seems like he may not be, he is there.