Friday, September 9, 2011

not knowing who to trust anymore.

I thought I just went through this.

Who to trust, who not to trust. Guess not. For it will always be a guessing game and it could always change.

I'm done though. I'm done being nice and taken advantage of. I'm done being walked over and called countless names just because I give people chances.

I'm done trying to be there for people. I'm done, done, done.

I did everything by the book. It was all laid out. Don't accuse me of something when it's not wrong. Especially in the past, on the same ground, it was done. Now, just because you're pissed you think you can put the blame on me? FUCK YOU.

You think your indiscretions won't come to light? Oh they will. In due time, and not from my mouth. I'll keep my word, it's the only thing I've got, and at least mine is not tainted by lies.

Others may not come to my defense, and that's fine. They've gotta look out for themselves this day in age, but you better fucking believe I'm not going down without a fight. No one falsely accuses me of anything and walks out unscathed. You'll get yours, one way or another. Karma has already decided.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

short update-nowittytitle.

Well, fun stuff.

I am currently working, listening to the GAMECOCK GAME! Yes, I'm a Gamecock fan. Get over it. GO COCKS! I'm pretty excited. Sad that I'm working during the game, but it'll be okay. Lots of friends have already started texting me about parties afterwards. T_T

I'd like to go out, but I went out last night with my friends Therese and her brother Anthony. Met some old grade school friends of theirs, Ryan and Brandon. They're pretty cool dudes. It was a good night all in all, despite the stupidity of work.

Ginger is currently in NC spending time with his family and best friends, Ryan, Michelle, and Matt. They all seem to be having fun, which is awesome. I think they all needed best friend time. :D Ryan got a kick out of the "bat" I got him and his wine. Michelle hasn't opened her gifts yet, but I'm sure she'll let me know. ^^

Cali-Chris and I talked last night. We were catching up with one another and he actually is saying that he wants us to finally come and visit him. This made me ecstatic! I haven't seen him since December, and then when things starting getting worse with his mom and she passed... It took all my will power to not hop on a plane and fly there, right then. So, I was somewhat surprised in our conversation when I usually tell him that if he can't make it out to us to visit, we could always come out there, and he said to come on out! This to me, is HUGE. Why? Because I've been trying for so damn long to go visit him, but never did because he said it wasn't a good time. Now? We are planning a trip so I can come out and visit soon. :D

I don't know how to feel at this point. Lots of ups and downs, thinking and searching. I want purpose. Does everyone have purpose? I'd like to think so.

Friday, September 2, 2011

All good things must come to an end...

Right?

I didn't want to end things with Ginger, not in the least, but I told him as soon as I felt more we'd have to stop. Last night, I felt more.  I don't know why or how. I didn't ask for it. He's a great guy. Friend. Lover. He makes it easy to like him and become attached. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I can't get attached. Not just because he's leaving and doesn't want a relationship while he's in the military, but also because I'm scared that I'm not the one he needs.

I'm scared of this feeling. I never expected to meet him and feel so comfortable to leave all of my inhibitions to the side. It sucks. I told him that last night, the best way I could describe this situation. It sucks. He said it's pretty shitty. I also told him... As much as I'd want to tell him I'd wait for him... I couldn't ask that of him nor myself. I wish I could tell him to believe in me, to trust me to know, that I'm not gonna hurt him... But I can't do that, even if it's true. I have stuff I need to do and so does he. I don't want either of us to feel hindered by anything. We're on the same ground. We both essentially want the same thing. Problem is, even though I'm quite logical for a female - I still have emotions. Those emotions have busted through that wall I put up and are effecting me. I shouldn't feel sad or anything. It's more of a disappointment or something ironic. That two people meet and because of how things are, they can't and won't let themselves be together because of a conscious and healthy decision.


The thing is... Is I like him. I like the man he is, I like him as a friend, I like him as a lover, I just simply like him. And that's fine, but when my mind automatically thinks something along the lines of "I don't want anyone else," where I feel a deeper connection that's not just romantic but... surreal, I have to stop. I can't allow it. It's not that I don't want it. I do. I love that feeling. That connection. But it's already going to hurt, and I don't want the pain to be worse.

I'd like to say he feels the same, but he doesn't. At least that is what he says. He says it's easier for him to separate things and that it's better to not hypothesis if things were different because it only complicates things. It does. But a part of me feels that ... That he feels the same thing, but he's just gotta stronger barrier. Though, it could just be what it is.

I don't like to brag about myself. I tend to just brush off compliments and the like... But I'm a great person. I'm nice, sweet, caring. I'm intelligent yet silly. I can cook and I'm fairly attractive. I'm easy to talk to and feel like a genuine person. I have passion and creativity...

I just wonder if he sees that at all. If he sees me. I'm a pretty straight-forward and understanding person. Probably too understanding. I think what I did was right. Not just for myself, but for him too. I respected him enough and cared about him too much to not tell him that I started feeling more. I think if I hadn't, it would have made things go very badly.

What-if's.. I can't help but to think what if this or that. I'm hardwired to think, to question, to see all the different outcomes and yet, I'm foolish to hope for a better ending. Or would it be beginning? I wish I wasn't damaged emotionally. That I was ready. I wish that he wasn't hurt and in the position he's in. But then, I wonder if we weren't... Would I still feel the way I do?

I care about everyone immensely. I shouldn't care so much, though... I do. It's not for a lack of trying. I have tried to not care so much. To only care a certain amount for certain people. And it just never works. It makes me naive...

Eh.

We've talked basically. There is no other outcome than the one that is laid out before us. He leaves for two years to another country. He doesn't want a relationship as long as he's in the military. Me? I'll be doing my study-abroad and theater work. After the two years? Who knows. I'd like to say if he and I are to meet up again and are living near one another, I'd like to have that chance. The chance at a relationship with him.

I was looking through some astrology stuff and ran across a few statements that I felt described me pretty well:
"Scorpio woman has a glorious womanhood that comes off as sweet natured, perhaps a bit quiet, and very intelligent, but there is much more going on under the surface. She is a truly complicated woman, and one of the most difficult types to understand. A mastermind of understanding the emotions and motivations of others, a Scorpio woman is not readily willing to give up her own. It takes a special type of man to make her feel as though she can sincerely trust him. But during her courtship with the right person she is strongly loyal and fine woman with all qualities of head and heart."
"Lots of love affairs and marriages can’t survive storms, but Scorpio is determined to keep the relationship intact, through her incredible will power."

It's therapeutic reading stuff like this... SIGH. Just gotta know and believe that everything happens for a reason and... if there is meant to be more one day - there will be. I'm still going to be there for him. Still his friend no matter what. 

I talked with Michelle the other night about Chris. It helped me a lot. I know that the girl before me messed him pretty bad. No details, just that she did a number on him and that's why he's all anti-relationships. Which part of me makes me feel like, "I'm better than her! I'm not gonna do whatever she did!" But I don't know. >> Still, knowing that and talking with Michelle has made me feel better to a degree.

Like she said, everything happens for a reason.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

prayers.

My cousins' father passed away this evening at 5:15 pm EST.


I hope to be able to help them if they need/want it. Hopefully without criticism from my mom too. My mom is not exactly "speaking" with this side of the family. She holds a lot of grudges for things, some are rightly so. Still, I don't want to hear any complaints about me helping them out. They're my family too.


I just ask everyone to remember... 
Everyone makes mistakes. Let's learn from them. Admit your wrongs, express your feelings, apologize, and forgive. Be a better person not just for everyone else, but for yourself as well. Remember that things happen, but it is you who decides how to handle them. Hopefully, you make good decisions.


 It's difficult to process everything, especially since tomorrow would be 16 years my grandfather, my mother's father passed away. I wish and pray with every fiber of my being that my mom will let go of this grudge and reach out to her. To express her condolences and let her know she's not alone. To help her with the loss of her father, because my mom could be a great source of comfort and knowledge. Having been through it before.


The only answer I find, is prayer.

rant. pissed. grr. sigh.

DISCLAIMER: I AM IN A PISSED OFF MOOD.

Just warning you guys in case I seem more ornery than usual.

Now, I love my job. I really do. I don't have many complaints. I mean yeah, it frustrates me sometimes and the people annoy me sometimes, but all in all I'm okay. Hopefully, this is just one of those times.

I work with my friend Angel. Whenever she gets pissed, I get pissed. People take advantage of her and abuse her niceness. I HATE THIS. It makes me really angry. Especially when "someone" is scheduling her on days she has class so they can get an extra hour in because they are ALWAYS late.

Our manager is really awesome. He's super nice, and a good guy. But he can not be on time for work to save his life. He's always 1-2 hours late. He bitches about not getting his hours, and other coworkers of ours bitches about him always being late. THEN, he decides to go in for someone else shift and takes the hours THEY need. Only one person gets full time hours = ie 40 hours a week. Because if they others had it, they would get over time because of that person's lateness. Really, we know you have issues. We know you're dealing with stuff. We know it's a difficult time and you're not a morning person. But dude, GROW UP. You're 35 fucking years old. You have a problem sleeping? Get some medicine, nyquil or beer to put you to sleep. Wake your ass up on time and get here when you're supposed to. Because you're fucking up other people's schedules. Making them lose money and making the schedule so erratic, that we can't even go and get a second job if we need to. Angel is going through a tough time and you have her scheduled on days she has classes! WTF DUDE? You're making her lose another 18 dollars a week since you can't be on time and you think that it works out since you're always late. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU. Don't get me wrong, my manager is a great guy, does great things and goes out of his way, but he's fucking with my friend and I don't care too much for that. AT ALL. He wonders why no one listens to him or goes around him, it's because he's not leadership material. If you want me to treat you as a manager, act like one. Show up on time. Make the schedule EQUAL for everyone. Don't make ALL of the females work EVERY WEEKEND. Seriously, not cool. Everyone should have at least one weekend off a month. ><

Also, don't LIE to me. I HATE LIARS. I swear to God, don't fucking lie to me. Because when you lie to me, that gives me motive to make your life a living hell and believe me, I don't like being mean.

Don't sit there and tell me you just spoke to someone when you didn't. Don't put words in other people's mouths just to fit your agenda. By you doing that, makes me lose all respect for you and will make me not want to even be a "team" player. It gives me a reason to be a complete and utter bitch. If you want me to do that, go ahead. Do it. You'll be sorry.

Just one thing after another. It's supper annoying and I hate it.

Tomorrow is going to be hard too. I don't even want to think about it, but I can't help it. Tomorrow marks the 16th anniversary of my Papa's death. 16 years. 16 fucking years. I am still amazed every year that my mother and I have made it through another year without him. If my mom didn't have me to take care of when Papa died, I think she'd have died too. Papa was the greatest man to ever have been in our lives. Mom, to say the least was a Daddy's girl. For me, Papa was the father figure to me. When Mom and Dad were separating and getting a divorce, he was the stable one. He would be there for me like my Dad should have been. And even after he passed away, he was still better than my stepfather. Now, my stepfather is an amazing man to have put up with my family and take care of us. But he's not my Papa. I appreciate him but, not nearly as much as my grandfather. UGH.

You know what else? My Aunt's daughter, her father is in the hospital... on life support. He had a nasty fall three weeks ago and has been going down hill since... I've been praying for him, even against my mother's wishes. He apparently was not a great husband to my Aunt and was very abusive. Still, he's my cousin's father, and she's a nervous wreck. :\

My mother is still having problems with my sister which is another LONG story.

The bridal shower I went to yesterday for my friend, was nice but I learned that someone I strongly dislike will be at the wedding now. >> Granted, it shouldn't effect me going, but knowing that person and how they are... It would be a bad idea if I did. So now, I'm debating on going or not. Maybe I could just go for the ceremony, ya know? I don't like being put in awkward situations or anything of the sort. ><

My best friends Jasmyn and Mike are moving in a month.. MOVING. To West Virginia, about ten hours away. I'm kinda sad about this. I don't want them to go. She just got a really good job and her relationship with Mike is better than ever. But, her step mom really wants to be closer to her teenage daughter and since Jasmyn and Mike are trying to save money, they'd move with them. Who am I going to go to randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning? Who am I gonna be able to cook and joke around with about everything? It's rather depressing. I mean.. I'm happy that they are happy, but still... I'm gonna miss them.

Which brings me to Chris - Ginger. He too, leaves next month. I don't know how to feel about this. I mean, I have this feeling where I'm sad and I know I'm going to miss him... but I don't know. Last week was great though, I got to talk to one of his best friends Michelle, and she's super sweet. Her and I have an insane amount in common. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were separated at birth. Hopefully we can continue to get to know one another and become really good friends.

I then wondered if I was sort of a substitute for her. If he was only around me because I reminded him of her. He said no. I told him it was okay if he did, but that he should probably talk things out with her if it is something more. Not to mention, if he decides to be intimate when he leaves this weekend to visit - to tell me. Because I would not be able to keep doing what we are doing. I value my health too much and it's not that I don't trust either of them to use protection, I'd just rather avoid it all together if need be. Granted, I can't tell him, "Don't sleep with anyone but me." But I can say, "if you do end up sleeping with someone else, tell me - because if I find out through other means and you were screwing me along with them, I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face...>>"

Then when I think of this, I feel really bad. I have no "claim" on him. He can do whatever he wants. I just want to know, so that way I can keep myself safe. A part of me feels protective over him too, like he's a possession. Which he's not, and I know that, but instinct is telling me, "This one is mine." Even though I know he and I are nothing more but.. friends. Sadly.

Though the difference is, is that if he wasn't leaving and I wasn't scared shitless, I'd try and be with him in a heart beat. If he had that choice, I don't think he would. Which is fine. It goes back to what I said before, you can have two people are right for one another - but it not be the right time.

Part of me just wants him to tell me how he feels. The other part? Wants him to just keep doing what he's doing. 

All I want right now? Is to spend time with him. Laugh, joke, play and just be us. I want what little time I have left with him to be great, because I'm afraid that this will be it. He and I won't have it ever again. I want to treasure it, because he's such a unique person. I'm even trying to organize a few things for him, before he leaves. I know he hasn't enjoyed his stay here in SC, so I want to give him a proper farewell. Let him know that he does have friends here and to not forget about us.

I'm hoping that this won't end up the same way as Cali. That he'll actually stay in touch and call if he needed us. I have hope, but I'm not expecting anything. He has given me his word that he'll stay in touch, and that's all I need. If he doesn't, then I can say whatever. Hahaha. >>


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

bigupdateeeee!

Okay. BIG UPDATE. Right? Right.

First things first: My sister's husband got good news yesterday, REMISSION. I'm so freaking flippin' happy. They really needed this. :D It makes me feel more at ease now, and hopefully the stress will die down and my sister can get some rest.

Second: Vegas was pretty awesome. Aside from the fact that the group I was with left me alone on the strip at 4 am FAR AWAY from our hotel.. Well, let me rephrase it. It wasn't so much a group decision as it was Rob's. SIGH. Long story short, he left me-I was mad-I got to the hotel first-slapped him when he got there-chaos ensued-yelling, crying, screaming-then forgiveness. OR SO I THOUGHT. After we got back home, it blew up again and am now no longer on speaking terms with anyone except Ada. Which is sad. Because I do miss them and care about them. I already admitted my faults and wrongs, and yet they can't...>> SIGH. I couldn't keep taking the hostility and verbal abuse. So, defriended and became kinda sorta depressed. >>

But, that's besides the point. Vegas was awesome. It is 24/7, non-stop. Saw Cirque de Soleil : LOVE. AMAZINGSHOW. Probably one of the most amazing things to witness. EVOwasINTENSE. Seriously, I was inspired to take up the fighting game world and work to go to it next year. Though, I may put that on hold. Other things are more important. The heat wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be either. It was much better than here.

Thirdly: I have been seeing someone for a little over a month now. NOW NOW. He's not a boyfriend, but a friend. We met at a house party back in late June/early July. Started hanging out more and... yeah. His name is Chris. (I KNOW! ><) But I call him Ginger, because he has red hair. ^^;

What all can I say about him? There's so much and yet not enough. I hit it off with him immediately and we both like one another and have told each other this. One little problem... He leaves for Korea next month. (AGAIN, I KNOW) Okay, big problem. He's in the military and will be stationed there for two years. We both talked about it and said that it's not the best idea to start a relationship, the chances of it failing are a lot higher than most. And I'm okay with that.

So, you would think knowing all of this I would step away and not get to know him more or anything. Especially with what happened with Cali Chris, but... I don't know. There is something about Ginger and I didn't want this moment to pass me by. I didn't want to regret anything. With that, I've explained that all I want is to spend time with him as much as possible before he goes. Not to change his mind about wanting more with me, but because I know if I held back again, I'd be a complete wreck. Maybe it's hormones or something. That COULD be it. Though, I've shut down guys before this. I just... I trust him. Which freaks me out. I feel comfortable with him yet anxious. And you know what? Even if we just stay friends, how we are, I really think I'd be okay with it. I mean, yeah it sucks that we can't pursue anything more than what we have because of where we are at in our lives, but it is what it is.


I'm beginning to learn and understand that two people could meet and be so right for one another, and it not be the right time. I've met two people like that in my life. Coincidentally enough, both of them are named Chris. The differences are that the situations and life changes they are going through. Cali having to move back home, cross-country, to help with his dying mother. Taking care of his father now in the aftermath of her death and finding out he too has cancer now. Ginger, in the military, contract, being stationed in another country, Korea.

Then again, who really knows?

Perhaps, I'm just too emotionally challenged/damaged to see the real picture.

But, I'm pretty happy. Even though he's leaving, I've had an amazing time with him and hope to have a long lasting friendship with him.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

getting to know you, trying to forget you.

Getting to know you.... 
 
The first part of this is going to be about my sister, Maylee. Yes, I have a half-sister people! I've always heard many things about her and my half-brother(her full brother). She's 14 and half - 15 years older than me. When I was little, I was always amazed and wanted to hear about how they were and what they were like from my mom and dad.

It wasn't until a few months ago we contacted each other and started to talk. Some may ask, "Why are you JUST now getting in contact?" Well, that is a good question. Why has it taken me 23 almost 24 years to contact my sister who I've never met? I guess I was always scared. Scared because, what if they didn't know about me? What if they did know and hated me? What if they knew and didn't care? What if they just didn't want me in their lives? SO many questions kept from contacting them. Still, I finally got over it and just FB'd her. Yes, facebook!

While getting to know each other, I've found that we have a lot in common. Not just because of our father having left when we were young and not seeing him much if at all through our childhoods, but our sleeping and eating patterns are alike.

May's mom is Chinese, which everyone knows my obsession with the Asian culture. Annnnd! I just found out recently that I have a tattoo of her mother's name, "Ai". Kinda weird, since I didn't know her name and I have had my tattoo for over a year now. She has a wonderful husband, Ian and a beautiful son, Xander. I can't believe I'm an aunt! An actual blood aunt!

The thing I've learned the most from her though, is that she has incredible strength. I say this because her husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in March, and has been a taking care of him and their son. It's been a struggle, from what I've been told and what I've seen. Treatments, hospitals, doctors, medicine. Add all that to everyday living, and it's hard. She keeps going though, pushing even though sometimes I'm sure she wants to just give up. But she doesn't. This is HER family. The love of her life, the father of her child. I want so much to help and do more, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries. I don't want to push her to let me be there, when she hardly knows me, regardless if we are family. Though, I'm available for whenever she likes and I'll be there. I wish this wasn't happening to them. Xander just turned 3 years old a few days ago and Ian is a young 40. I know it's hard on all of them.

Trying to forget you...

Speaking of wanting to be there for people, Chris contacted me a few days ago. It was a short talk, but he was apologizing for not keeping in touch as much lately. Things seem to be getting hectic there again, in all sense of the word. I wasn't expecting a call or anything from him, I've been trying to forget about him as far as caring too much. Though, I always have and will pray for him.

Apparently, his dad and him went to the doctors earlier in the day he contacted me, telling me that his father's prostate cancer may be coming back. It seems though it can't be diagnosed right away, they'll have to test again next week to see if it was correct or a fluke. Then again in 3 months. If the levels are all above .1, then it means he probably does have it again and need to start biopsies.

When he told me this, I just couldn't believe it. Why was this happening to him? Especially since he just lost his mother to uterine cancer that had spread to her lungs in April. Now his father?

It hurt to hear that. Because I knew, I knew that he was scared again and there was nothing I could do except tell him that if he needed me, I'd be here.

I go back to thinking, "why is this happening?" I wish it wasn't and wish I was there. For Chris and my sister Maylee.

WE NEED A CURE FOR CANCER. NOW.

Monday, June 27, 2011

This blog is going to be jumpy, just to warn you guys. Whatever pops up first, I'm gonna go with it. Maybe come back to it. Then get on another subject, then back on to the other. You get the point. Hopefully. Maybe. Maybe not.


Right now, I'm at working and feeling like shit but....

In 30 days exactly, I will be in Las Vegas, Nevada.
That's the only thing that is keeping me positive right now.

Why do I feel like crap? Let's see fever, sore throat, can't swallow hardly anything, freezing, and headaches since Thursday. Been working a lot as well, don't wanna call out. Need the money for Vegas. JUST went to the doctors last week too, and don't wanna pay another co-pay. Right now, I want my throat to stop hurting and allow me to swallow without wanting to scream. Next, is my bed. I just wanna be curled up on it, under copious amounts of blankets and try to sleep out this sickness.

My former theater professor keeps bugging me about money from our carwash that our Theater Organization had. I don't have it. Told her multiple times. I don't have it. Still everyday, for the past two weeks, I've had at least, AT LEAST, 4 calls, 2 texts, and two voicemails. I DO NOT HAVE IT, STOP CALLING ME. How many times do you have to tell someone something before they get in their heads? The money is safe and secure. We do not need to deposit it RIGHT AWAY. We need to actually go as a group to learn exactly the process and what to do, so that I  won't have to worry about doing it anymore because I was supposed to be done with this organization in January, because I'm no longer enrolled. I graduated. Ugh.

A lot of my friends for one reason or another have left Columbia, SC over the past months and soon. My Yoda Noda, left to Greenville, SC just this past week. He has more acting opportunities and family there. My bestie Jazzy and Mike (her boyfriend and my friend) are moving  to West Virginia in September.. My other buddy Mike or I like to call him by his last name so I don't get him mixed up, Rossi, moved up to Jersey in January for job and family. Others are thinking about moving and it's kinda... sad.

I want to move, yet I want to keep my job and my family. There's nothing wrong with Columbia. I've lived here most of my life so far. The weather is great, I'm used to it constantly changing and it not being too cold or anything. We have all the seasons it seems. Equal amount of sunshine and rainfall. It's nice. I just want to be close to ALL of my friends and family. Meh. I want to go and stay. Maybe I'm just ready for a vacation.

July can't come fast enough. I want it to be here now. I want to be boarding my plane and flying to sin city. I want to see my friends Ada, Kalia, and Rob. I really want that, right now. The thought makes me happy, because I know I'll get to see them soon. I'm just stressed I guess.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

it's mayyyy and we survived the rapture of 2011!

It is May 22nd, 2011.
Which means we survived "the rapture" according to one many with many followers. It was supposed to happen yesterday. Obviously not, I'm still here and am writing on this blog.

It's pretty much summer in the Carolina's right now. I even went to the beach last week and go sunburned baaaaaad. It was definitely nice though. The water was nice and warm and yet cool. Perfect weather, just perfect baking weather for my skin too! I'm in the course of peeling and itching. Bah!

Finished a production in April for theater, it was a cabaret style thing. Lot's of music, skits, and interactive with the audience. I had lots of fun, needless to say. Though at the current time I'm taking a step back from theater until at least after summer. Why? VEGAS.

That's right kiddos, I'm going to Vegas in just two short months. It'll be an experience I bet, plus I get to see a lot of my gaming buddies. This makes me ecstatic!

In case you guys are wondering. I'm still single and celibate. Have been for over a year now. A lot of people thought I couldn't do it. (Either things.) But I have and will continue to do so until I change my mind.

People ask me about Chris or Cali as I have nicknamed him. I haven't received much news except that his mother passed on the third of April. When I got word from him, I was at work on a Sunday morning and left work temporarily to head to the airport to book a last minute flight. Though, he told me not to come, for various reasons. Despite my judgement, I stayed. Since then, contact has been almost completely null. As far as I know, he's okay and still getting stuff straight with her estate and helping his father.

Alaska is engaged to an old flame from college. I'm happy for them. :D A little upset that he tried to "talk" to me. But I yelled at him and now it's all better. We're still friends.

I have had a few guys ask me out on dates, all have been turned down. I'm just not wanting anything right now.

Work is work. I love my job, but sometimes there are days where I just want to strangle everyone in the fucking place. Excuse my language.

I wish I had more to write these days. I feel my creativity leaving me. I'm still writing my plays, I've come to writer's block. I think I'll be asking a few friends for help and ideas. Because I'm getting no where fast.

Monday, April 4, 2011

random tidbits over the past few months.

January 19th, 2011


Solitude was always welcomed, even under the sun. The rivers ran deep into the bone.


When you wake up from a dream, you sometimes wonder if your still asleep. The bridge between consciousness and unconsciousness becomes blurry. How do you tell if what you are seeing and feeling is real? If it is an actual reality or just an experiment? We plague our minds with questions we know cannot be answered. Yet we stress ourselves and make our lives completely crazy.

January 27th, 2011

My friend told me, when you can't imagine someone not in your life, that it means more than anyone can possibly fathom. That it is a sign that you love that person. I foolishly ask, "How do you know the difference between loving someone and being in love?" To which his reply, "You'll just know."

January 28th, 2011

Logic does not fit into emotions. Emotions are illogical,  therefore trying to apply logic to emotions is a form of insanity.

Fear can have the power to motivate and intimidate. The key to making it a positive influence is looking past everything and doing the right thing - the best for you and your conscious.

Frebuary 1st, 2011

-easier to speak sometimes than it is to write, especially when it comes to emotional matters, tends to be jumbled thoughts and ramblings that are inconsistent, never a complete thought - always continuing without stopping.

-We ask ourselves many questions in this life. Some that are mundane and others that are profound. To which we try and distinguish between the two. Blinded by reality - or imagination.

-Should we live comfortably? What is the best way to live life? It's relative and different for each person. All different people, thoughts, beliefs, interpretations.

Meanings, signs - is there more to this life than what we are subjected to on a daily bases? These are questions we will never have the answer to - at least not in this continuum.

February 11th, 2011

How do I know if these feelings are real? That they are more than the chemical reactions in my head? Can I distinguish from this infatuation or is it what they call love? I want to believe that is is not true, that this is not what I'm feeling, because I'm so scared that I've lost you before I even had you. There is nothing that I can do or say that will fully express how I feel. It's an indescribable feeling that makes me feel almost everything at once. While it is welcomed to a degree - I wish it would have hit me later, because it is completely and utterly heart-wrenching to be so far away from you when you need people who care, to be there. Every step of the way. You've opened this- my- pandora's box. All of my creativity flows through one single thought or memory of you. I want you in my life - always. Your presence alone can make me the happiest - I want to give that to you. I want you to be happy. Is it my fate or destiny that I met you? For you to have such a hold on my thoughts - my drive... I feel as if I should do more. Be more. You've broken down a part of my walls and I feel warmth of that light filtering through.

March 9th, 2011

Here I am, alone in this room - with four walls
Four bare walls - no doors, no windows
It seems I've gotten caught up with my "imagination"
Or maybe it's lost
Is it light that I see, or am I blinded by the darkness from this room
Perhaps it is a dream, but that would mean I would hear from you
These ghoulish calls, siren's songs - seem to be tricking me
Thinking you were here, standing ther, whispering to me
Things are not what they seem to be -
You are not around me - not ever your voice - if it was your choice-
You'd never have met me
Amnesia - you're a golden compass, saving me from nothing and everything
How can I repay you from clearing my debt and my conscious?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

the new year of 2011

I can honestly say, after looking back on 2010, it was far better than 2009. Yes, there were ups and downs, trials and tribulations. But all in all, I stayed sane and kept my morals.

Christmas was celebrated a day earlier than normal because of me having to work, and it actually went okay. None of us got in a bitching fight. (Mother, Sister, Myself) It was really nice and quiet, and I even got to go to a friends Christmas party that their family hosted.

As Christmas flew by, snow came the day after. It was something I had not expected, honestly. For me to wake up and see snow, on the ground that was more than an inch, AND it was sticking? HECK YEAH. Though, I was still getting over a cold, I decided to curl up by the fireplace, read and watch the snow fall outside.

New Year's was spent in Charleston with some of my awesome friends. Jazzy and Mike. I was pretty excited, and it was a fun time. Just didn't feel like a New Year when we rang it in. Perhaps it was due to me drinking 3/4 of the Rum... But all in all, we danced, joked, laughed and had a nice time.

Now, It's officially a new year and it still feels like I was in the same place I was a year ago. Almost.

The months that I had been absent from the blogging world, I was in a pondering mode. Quite frankly, I still am. I've looked within myself to figure out if there was something wrong with me, what I needed to do and not do, all that stuff. Soul searching may be a term applied here. Then again, it's all relative.

I've delved deeper into my thoughts and memories, trying to reach a point where I can pinpoint something that may still be affecting me today. And after all that, I've finally had peace with myself.

Learning things, especially after actions have been taking, seems hard. Over the summer, my friend Jazzy and I took out a few days to go to the beach. We wanted to just get out, clear our heads and relax. Along the way, after much talking and deliberation, I realized I've never been in love. I've just always loved everyone unconditionally. It was never the love that... That was true. I think about it and I remember that the love of God is more than you can ever experience. It trumps whatever it is we feel for others here on Earth. But that there is that once in a lifetime love, pure, innocent, meant to be - that can almost rival it. That is what I've always thought I've felt for the men I've been with, and it hasn't. I'm a deeply caring individual and would do anything to make any relationship I have, work. Whether it be friends, family, lovers... It just doesn't matter to me. I also realized that I would probably never have the love that others experience, because of this. It's not that I don't want it, it's just... There is a difference when loving someone and being in love with someone. I've just always loved. I've never been in love. And you know what? That's okay. Some people say it's a shame or maybe I'm just jaded, but it doesn't matter. I'm okay in knowing that. Why? Because I know that if I am meant to fall in love, I will. I will know that it was not forced, that it happened because that is how fate works. And if I realize it, I will follow it and make my destiny with that person. Until then, oh well.

Speaking of fate and destiny. I've started a play on it. Mostly as a creative outlet for certain things, but mainly because I've been inspired by someone to the point that I have never felt before. Now, now. I am not in love. So you girls just shush. I guess you may wonder, who is this person? How did this start? Blah, blah, blah...

Back in October, around Midterms, I was writing a paper for my Detective Fiction class. Oh yes! It gave me some good input on the murder-mystery play I was writing and still writing! Anyway, I'm in the middle of doing this at home on a Friday, when my friend Amber calls me up and asks what I was doing. I tell her about my papers and she insisted on me coming out to hang with her and her mom, because they were going out to their friends pub and was celebrating a birthday with another friend. I wondered who and if I knew them and I didn't. I then proceeded to tell them I may go, it just depends on how long it was going to take me to finish my paper. They thought by saying the birthday boy was cute and my "type" it would get me to come out sooner. It didn't, it earned a quick and stern reply, "I don't want to date, period. I'm fine with how things are. And I'll have every intention of hating him now." Lots of laughs, right? Right. Well after a few hours of writing and then showering, and phone calls later, I was told to please come out at least for a drink. I said okay, but no match making or anything of the sort. I walked in to the establishment to see my friend and her mom, told them hello along with our usual hugs. Then, then I was introduced to the birthday boy, Chris.

My first thought was, "Oh dear God, what did I get myself into?"

We just exchanged greetings, and I was sitting on the other side of Amber, farther away from Chris, seeing as how her mother had her stuff between Amber and Chris, sooooo I sit down with my drink. Only to have Amber's mother, Debbie, ask very loudly "Why aren't you sitting next to Chris?" Now, we all know I'm not shy. Not by any means, but this... This made me blush and look like a dense blonde. Saying things like, "Well that's your seat!" Only to get replies, "So? I don't care, go!" It all came down to them taking my coat, purse and drink - setting it beside Chris, and pulling me off the stool and making me sit next to him. All the while, this boy is laughing. I'm completely embarrassed at this point and just kinda got smart with him. Which we ended up talking for... HOURS. We danced and hugged and yes, kissed. But it's just not what I expected. I was still firm in not wanting to be in a relationship but I also didn't want to just not be near him because I was afraid. Especially knowing he'd be leaving in a few weeks to go back home to California to take care of his mother who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

The month I was with him, I didn't want it to end. It hurt to see him go, but I knew he was doing what he needed to. I had become close with him and he became a dear friend of mine. We talked and had a lot in common. Shared experiences and just... Had a lot of fun. A lot of our mutual friends think and still think we are meant to be, that we are in love and all that.. But, I don't think of it like that. I believe I found someone who I connected with, who I care about deeply. Yes, I've never felt like this before - where while I'm completely selfless - I just... I'm happy just knowing that I met someone that I felt so close to on so many different levels. And while it was brief, it's okay. Because I at least know that there are amazing people out in the world like him, and it is an honor that I got to meet him before he started out on his journey back to his parents.

I still talk with him every now and then, not like when he was here. But, it's enough. He's got a lot of things going on, and I know he wouldn't want any of us here to worry so much. He keeps people at a distance. Always. I understand it, I've told him though... that I would always be there. He has said that he's heard it before and it never happens and I just laugh, telling him he just hasn't met anyone like me.

At the beginning of December, my friends won tickets to see Conan on TBS. They offered me to come with, to LA, California. Where it so happens that he lives. It was a weird coincidence. I got to go, had a wonderful time exploring, and even got to meet up with Chris. It had only been three weeks since I had last seen him, and I just couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy that I was there, that I could hug him. He looked so tired, and even like he lost a lot of weight in just that short amount of time. But I tried to not get him to think too much about things going on at home. I wanted him to have a nice dinner with a friend with lots of laughs. Because apparently, it's my goal in life to amuse him. Haha.

Perhaps, it showed him that I was there for him despite past experiences. Without any personal gain for myself either. I mean, I'm not going to deny that I would love to be with him, but I know it's not the time nor place to be like that. It's not within our means right now, and I'm okay with that. I just want to be there for him as a friend if he so happens wants to talk about everything or just to get his mind off things. That's what I'm here for.

Hopefully, his mom will pull through this, despite the doctors prognosis. He told me that she is not going to do chemo anymore after this week, and that the doctors expect a drastic change in her health. Which means it could mean a matter of weeks instead of months. All I can do is pray to God. Pray that he will take care of her and him and the rest of their family. To just open their hearts to others that want to be there for them. To accept and know that while this is heartbreaking, that she will no longer be in pain and she will finally have eternal life with God.

I pray and pray. Even naively, to the point that I ask God if he could, take my breath away and breathe new life into her lungs. Just because I know that losing someone so close to you, your mother, must be one of the worst things to experience. Especially at an age where you want them to be there so they can see your own family that you produce later on. I know that I'd go crazy if it were to happen to my mother. It would literally be just... horrible. I can't imagine life without her, and I can only... I just can't... For what he is going through, he has such tremendous strength. Such a pure heart and he's completely inspiring.

I ask those who still read this thing from time to time, to say a prayer to the ones who have been touched by cancer. Whether it be yourself, a friend, a family member.. To just pray and hope that there will be a cure, that until the find it, to have peace in knowing that God will help. Even though it seems like he may not be, he is there.