Sunday, April 25, 2010


I am still having problems with my computer and camera. It's pretty upsetting. Hopefully when I go to school some of my friends can take a look and see why they aren't transferring and uploading correctly.

Went to auditions this past week and have callbacks this upcoming week along with exams. So that's good! I was accepted into the college in GA where my dad lives, and I also applied for the peace core. Still waiting to hear back from a few other places out of state.

I've been talking with Muse's coworker as of late and he's told me some interesting things. Things that I should have been told a long time ago. It just makes me feel even more used. Which is bad, because this relationship was great until the last three days and we broke up. But apparently, it was all a lie. I don't want to believe it, but I'm trying to accept it. Trying to accept this entire situation. It's hard and I really don't know what to do or how to think. I guess it was foolish of me to trust so easily, but he never gave me a reason not to. Now... Now after thinking about it, it's obvious he doesn't even want to be friends with me and I don't know if I could be his friend. No matter how much I love and want to be with him. Even if it was friendship. I don't know if I could trust him again.

A lot of my friends tell me that he's not worth it and that I deserve better. That, if he couldn't handle me at my worst, he certainly doesn't deserve me at my best. That if I can't just be sad or upset, then why be with him? I am glad that my friends are supportive of me, but.. It's not that simple. It's not black and white. Maybe he's not worth it, maybe I do deserve better. But out of all of my relationships, he was the first guy to allow me to be myself. That made me feel so incredibly special. He showed me that I could be treated well and loved.. But then.. Then I have to think and ask and wonder if it was all real? Part of me says it wasn't. Part of me says it was. That there was no mistaking that he felt the same as I did. But.. if that were true then why do all this and say so many things.. To make yourself feel better? Because you caused someone pain? I just don't get it. I know I'm the type that needs to understand everything. But it's not always true.. Just really important things that I don't get, I want to understand so I can be a better person, daughter, friend, ect. Is that wrong?

Oh well. Right? I'm pushing forward. I'm trying. I just wish I didn't have a void in my heart.

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