Sunday, April 25, 2010


I am still having problems with my computer and camera. It's pretty upsetting. Hopefully when I go to school some of my friends can take a look and see why they aren't transferring and uploading correctly.

Went to auditions this past week and have callbacks this upcoming week along with exams. So that's good! I was accepted into the college in GA where my dad lives, and I also applied for the peace core. Still waiting to hear back from a few other places out of state.

I've been talking with Muse's coworker as of late and he's told me some interesting things. Things that I should have been told a long time ago. It just makes me feel even more used. Which is bad, because this relationship was great until the last three days and we broke up. But apparently, it was all a lie. I don't want to believe it, but I'm trying to accept it. Trying to accept this entire situation. It's hard and I really don't know what to do or how to think. I guess it was foolish of me to trust so easily, but he never gave me a reason not to. Now... Now after thinking about it, it's obvious he doesn't even want to be friends with me and I don't know if I could be his friend. No matter how much I love and want to be with him. Even if it was friendship. I don't know if I could trust him again.

A lot of my friends tell me that he's not worth it and that I deserve better. That, if he couldn't handle me at my worst, he certainly doesn't deserve me at my best. That if I can't just be sad or upset, then why be with him? I am glad that my friends are supportive of me, but.. It's not that simple. It's not black and white. Maybe he's not worth it, maybe I do deserve better. But out of all of my relationships, he was the first guy to allow me to be myself. That made me feel so incredibly special. He showed me that I could be treated well and loved.. But then.. Then I have to think and ask and wonder if it was all real? Part of me says it wasn't. Part of me says it was. That there was no mistaking that he felt the same as I did. But.. if that were true then why do all this and say so many things.. To make yourself feel better? Because you caused someone pain? I just don't get it. I know I'm the type that needs to understand everything. But it's not always true.. Just really important things that I don't get, I want to understand so I can be a better person, daughter, friend, ect. Is that wrong?

Oh well. Right? I'm pushing forward. I'm trying. I just wish I didn't have a void in my heart.

Monday, April 19, 2010

internet is crapping on me.

I have been having problems with certain aspects of my blog. I cant seem to upload any posts or pictures! Today, I will get it fixed because I have some stuff to show you guys. My 'swap' and what not. It was really nice to get such a lovely package. I was extremely blessed to have met someone who is genuinely kind.

These days I've kinda cut myself off from the outside world. Just writing, typing, reading, studying. The only person I want to talk to and hug and just be around for some reason, they don't want anything to do with me and I feel inadequate. All over again. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? I mean in all aspects of my life to just keep getting shit on with relationships, friendships and most of all my health.

Ugh. Anywho. I'll be updating more later, hopefully I can get my camera to work correctly so you can see the goodies.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

loves how i get used all the time.


Muse and I broke up.

He was off and on all week. Saying one day he wanted to be alone the next he wanted to be with me. I told him when he came out, that I didn't want him to feel obligated to stay with me. I asked him if he loved me.

Everything was fine. I thought we resolved it.

Not even 24 hours later, hegoes and changes his mind.

Saying he loves me, but wants to be alone.

Out of my better judgment I give him a "break". Then, he just txts me and says he wants to break up.

So now I'm crying at work(because they called me in early) and I don't know what to do or where to go. I did everything right. I was always behind him with everything he did. I was the only one who encouraged him. Yet, he doesn't want to be with me? I'm tired. So tired.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

april fools? nah.

Honestly, I've never really participated in this little day of jokes.

I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of jokes and pranks, mainly because I'm very gullible and two, my friends enjoy it too much.

This past week has been exhausting, already.

Tuesday, I had theater and walked out of the class. Simply said, nothing was said and no one backed me up like they said they would. I decided I would not sign up again, and told them this. They weren't all that upset. Quite frankly, they don't care. Which is fine, I'm not going to waste my time and energy on them.

Wednesday, er yesterday, I took my mom to the doctor's. She had to get a nerve block in her neck because she has a slip disc and refuses surgery. Went to get lunch after wards and the grocery store. Needless to say I only had two hours of sleep before I came into work tonight.

I'm utterly tired.

Got a message and friend request from NoSoul. Ignored him. I did write a letter, but sending him a message was not an option. So, ignore instead of confirm. More on that later.

Still working on 8 essays for my literature class. Hopefully Angel will get some time and help me out on them. I wanna get them done by next Monday/Tuesday.

Ugh, another hour and a half before class and as much as I hate it here at work, I think I loathe theater class even more right now. At least here, sometimes anyway, I don't get bothered by people all that much. Le sigh.

Good news, the floors in my house I'll be moving into will be put down next week! :D All we have to do is paint the walls and Muse and I can move in. :D Which is going to be amazing! I'll actually be able to see the man. Which I'm grateful. I keep asking him if he's sure. You know? Don't wanna do this if it's going to mess things up. Hopefully it'll make us stronger and perhaps you guys will get a picture of a rock soon. ;D

I think I'm going to join my swap friend Janna, in posting up what I eat daily and work out more. I need motivation. I NEED IT. I've GOT to lose weight. Mainly because I want to feel good and fit into my clothes I wore just a year ago. SO. Expect more updates, as long as I have internet and time. :D Thank you for inspiring me Janna!