Monday, February 1, 2010

update with a rant and thoughts

I've let this poor little blog go to the waste side. It's not that I don't like it. In fact, i love it. Because I can express things on here I can't to others. I mean, the only ones who read this don't judge, so I'm good. Others, I'd be wary. Most would wonder why I would care. But I do care. I don't want everyone to think I'm a cruel hearltess bitch. Now do I?

So what's on my mind at 5:15 am in the morning? Actually, better question. Why am I up? Because I'm working fools! I really need a new job. This audit thing is running me ragged. Completely ragged. I realized that sleep is soooo much better during the night hours. ANYWHO.

Tonight has been one of the first nights that my boyfriend, Muse hasn't come to visit. He has work in the morning, so he couldn't come by and visit. Which is completely understandable and which is why I'm here. I'm left to myself to think on this graveyard shift. Since, no one really comes through here. Thank goodness. But I pray sometimes, that someone will come in and disrupt my thoughts.

These thoughts tend to get the best of me. I think of, "what if's" and stuff of the sort. I also think about the day I had - or will have. Past. Present. Future. All the good things.. and bad.

Recently, I've been plagued with making decisions that will make me a better person and friend. I've noticed that my tolerance level for immaturity has gone down. I have hardly any of it. I typically fly off the handle when things of that nature appear. Instantly wanting it to go away.

For instance. There is a friend of mine who we will call... -thinks- Rocker? Nah. WannabeComedian! Not that he's not funny, but he wants to be that one day and more power to him. But he's been dating this girl for months now who causes a lot of grief. Now, the chick is pretty cool. Just a little mental. (Why are girls so mental these days?) Now, with that said. People have mentioned that if he's unhappy, then do something. Talk, compromise, something! Some have mentioned the idea of breaking up, and that's all I've heard. "God, I want to break up with her." or "I wish she would end it." Something to that effect. SO, they end their relationship. I called to make sure said friend was fine, and he said he was. Saying it was the best choice. Which I said, "It probably was. But just make sure you are okay." Now.. It doesn't suprise any of our friends that they are back together two days later. I don't really care. I do care when said friend says this, "I felt pressured into making that choice. I wasn't ready. And I wanna take it back." AHEM. ONE. You can't take shit back. If you think you can, you're a moron. TWO. If you weren't 'ready' then why keep complaining about it? If you weren't 'ready' then why do it? THREE. Pressured? BULLSHIT. No one can force you to do anything. (This is debatable. But I firmly believe that everyone has a choice.) No one forced you to break up with your girlfriend. No one said, "You need to or else." Nothing like that. So don't blame shit on us. THE FRIENDS YOU CARE AND TRUST... wtf ever.... anyway.....

Mini-rants are good. I could go on. But I feel that my blog will be much longer than I intended. And while that may be a good thing, I doubt the few people who ready this, want to hear me rant. (Seeing as how I rant all the time.)

On a happier note, Muse and I celebrated our one month mark! This past Friday. :D We are doing amazingly well. In fact no fights, at all. Well... -shakes head- Nah, none really. I mean we have like an argument over something that is debatable - but nothing that has to do with us and our relationship. THANK GOD.

My mum and step dad offered us one of the house my family rents out. Since it'll be available and renovated slightly by March. So, hopefully, if things go right and as smooth as I want, I'll be moving into a house with my boyfriend in a month or so. Which makes me happy and extremely nervous. I've never lived with anyone who wasn't family. Plus, Muse I and haven't been dating that long to warrant us living together. BUT. It feels right. Like it's the best choice. I'm hoping that it is.

The other night, I jokingly said, "We should go to the court today and just get married.." He then asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me today, right now?" I just grinned. Toothy, goofy grin. Nodded feverently, "OKAY! Let's go!"

Haha, we got a kick out of it. Lol.

He says that he's found 'the one' and that if he could afford it, he would have already asked me to marry him. But seeing as how my dream ring costs. $3,800.. He's gotta build up some moneyssss for that sort of thing. Haha.

I'm wondering... When will it be, when this time of happiness comes to an end? I can't help but think pessimistically. I've been thinking that way for years now. I hope and hope and hope, and pray.. Then something good comes, for a little bit and it's gone again.

I don't want it to go.

I'm extremely worried that it will leave just as easily as it came.

I know that I need to try and stay positive, because that pessimism will probably hurt me in the long run. But I think it's okay to guard myself. Just a little, right? There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Not at all.

If this is a dream.. I don't wanna wake up.


  1. Hon don't think like that you and Muse are good together, Plus you know I loves you and always will! and If you ever need to talk you know my number

  2. -hugs-

    I know. I just know you've got your own shit. Mine's not all bad right now, and I talk to my mum occasionally.

    But you know I'll call, you do the same!