Monday, December 20, 2010

christmas time....?

I know, I know, I know. I haven't updated in AGES. It's been pretty chaotic, more so than usual..

Where should I begin?

Angel stole me away from the Hotel i was working with her previously, to a new one in July. And you know what? It's great! I mean you have bad days and all, but honestly, I love working with the people here. Plus, I get benefits, a decent pay and I'm not on audit. :D It's really great.

Finished school just about a week and a half ago now. All I have to do is put in graduation papers and I get my diploma. Then it's trying to find another school to get another degree. Woooo!

What else? Let's see... I've met such great people this year and have gotten to know others so much more. That will be another blog soon. Because there is a story I have to tell you guys. Something that is magical and yet bittersweet. I'll be posting more, I proimse!

By the way, Christmas brings you joy. So here I am! :P

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I am still having problems with my computer and camera. It's pretty upsetting. Hopefully when I go to school some of my friends can take a look and see why they aren't transferring and uploading correctly.

Went to auditions this past week and have callbacks this upcoming week along with exams. So that's good! I was accepted into the college in GA where my dad lives, and I also applied for the peace core. Still waiting to hear back from a few other places out of state.

I've been talking with Muse's coworker as of late and he's told me some interesting things. Things that I should have been told a long time ago. It just makes me feel even more used. Which is bad, because this relationship was great until the last three days and we broke up. But apparently, it was all a lie. I don't want to believe it, but I'm trying to accept it. Trying to accept this entire situation. It's hard and I really don't know what to do or how to think. I guess it was foolish of me to trust so easily, but he never gave me a reason not to. Now... Now after thinking about it, it's obvious he doesn't even want to be friends with me and I don't know if I could be his friend. No matter how much I love and want to be with him. Even if it was friendship. I don't know if I could trust him again.

A lot of my friends tell me that he's not worth it and that I deserve better. That, if he couldn't handle me at my worst, he certainly doesn't deserve me at my best. That if I can't just be sad or upset, then why be with him? I am glad that my friends are supportive of me, but.. It's not that simple. It's not black and white. Maybe he's not worth it, maybe I do deserve better. But out of all of my relationships, he was the first guy to allow me to be myself. That made me feel so incredibly special. He showed me that I could be treated well and loved.. But then.. Then I have to think and ask and wonder if it was all real? Part of me says it wasn't. Part of me says it was. That there was no mistaking that he felt the same as I did. But.. if that were true then why do all this and say so many things.. To make yourself feel better? Because you caused someone pain? I just don't get it. I know I'm the type that needs to understand everything. But it's not always true.. Just really important things that I don't get, I want to understand so I can be a better person, daughter, friend, ect. Is that wrong?

Oh well. Right? I'm pushing forward. I'm trying. I just wish I didn't have a void in my heart.

Monday, April 19, 2010

internet is crapping on me.

I have been having problems with certain aspects of my blog. I cant seem to upload any posts or pictures! Today, I will get it fixed because I have some stuff to show you guys. My 'swap' and what not. It was really nice to get such a lovely package. I was extremely blessed to have met someone who is genuinely kind.

These days I've kinda cut myself off from the outside world. Just writing, typing, reading, studying. The only person I want to talk to and hug and just be around for some reason, they don't want anything to do with me and I feel inadequate. All over again. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? I mean in all aspects of my life to just keep getting shit on with relationships, friendships and most of all my health.

Ugh. Anywho. I'll be updating more later, hopefully I can get my camera to work correctly so you can see the goodies.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

loves how i get used all the time.


Muse and I broke up.

He was off and on all week. Saying one day he wanted to be alone the next he wanted to be with me. I told him when he came out, that I didn't want him to feel obligated to stay with me. I asked him if he loved me.

Everything was fine. I thought we resolved it.

Not even 24 hours later, hegoes and changes his mind.

Saying he loves me, but wants to be alone.

Out of my better judgment I give him a "break". Then, he just txts me and says he wants to break up.

So now I'm crying at work(because they called me in early) and I don't know what to do or where to go. I did everything right. I was always behind him with everything he did. I was the only one who encouraged him. Yet, he doesn't want to be with me? I'm tired. So tired.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

april fools? nah.

Honestly, I've never really participated in this little day of jokes.

I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of jokes and pranks, mainly because I'm very gullible and two, my friends enjoy it too much.

This past week has been exhausting, already.

Tuesday, I had theater and walked out of the class. Simply said, nothing was said and no one backed me up like they said they would. I decided I would not sign up again, and told them this. They weren't all that upset. Quite frankly, they don't care. Which is fine, I'm not going to waste my time and energy on them.

Wednesday, er yesterday, I took my mom to the doctor's. She had to get a nerve block in her neck because she has a slip disc and refuses surgery. Went to get lunch after wards and the grocery store. Needless to say I only had two hours of sleep before I came into work tonight.

I'm utterly tired.

Got a message and friend request from NoSoul. Ignored him. I did write a letter, but sending him a message was not an option. So, ignore instead of confirm. More on that later.

Still working on 8 essays for my literature class. Hopefully Angel will get some time and help me out on them. I wanna get them done by next Monday/Tuesday.

Ugh, another hour and a half before class and as much as I hate it here at work, I think I loathe theater class even more right now. At least here, sometimes anyway, I don't get bothered by people all that much. Le sigh.

Good news, the floors in my house I'll be moving into will be put down next week! :D All we have to do is paint the walls and Muse and I can move in. :D Which is going to be amazing! I'll actually be able to see the man. Which I'm grateful. I keep asking him if he's sure. You know? Don't wanna do this if it's going to mess things up. Hopefully it'll make us stronger and perhaps you guys will get a picture of a rock soon. ;D

I think I'm going to join my swap friend Janna, in posting up what I eat daily and work out more. I need motivation. I NEED IT. I've GOT to lose weight. Mainly because I want to feel good and fit into my clothes I wore just a year ago. SO. Expect more updates, as long as I have internet and time. :D Thank you for inspiring me Janna!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

lunch, car wreck and two hours later.

So, Tuesday after I got off work and head to class, things were okay. I was skeptical about theater class, but Literature picked up my spirits. Afterward, a few of my friends wanted to go to this Italian eatery, Very's. It was amazing, really I wanted to just live there because the food is so yummy. Eventually I got finished and said my goodbyes and went to go home because I was tired.

As soon as I got into the median, looked over my shoulder to merge into the right lane, some douchebag swerves and hits me. Immediately, I put my car in park (since I already had the brakes on), called my mom, took pictures of the car. This is the result:

I was merging and the jackass swerved into me on my drivers side!
My poor baby...

Now, the EMS and firetruck got there within ten minutes. The cops? Didn't show till two hours later, yeah, you read it. TWO HOURS.

And to add insult to injurt the bastard that hit me said I "pulled out in front of him." Which is a damn lie. I WAS ALREADY IN THE MEDIAN.

Said douchebag, came to my car and told my mother and myself, "He's going to write you a ticket and ask you to show for court, and I'm not gonna go. Just go and get it lowered."

The cop wrote me a ticket for failing to yield the right of way, and I asked him why. He says, "I highly doubt that he would swerve into you and hit you." BULL SHIT. If you focus on something in the road, you tend to drive towards it. That's why when you're driving some teachers tell you to focus on the middle of the road, so that way you don't drift.

Thousands of tears later, I told the policeman that the guy said he wasn't even going to show. And by doing and saying that, it admits guilt. I even explained physics and geometry to the man, to no avail.

My step father looked at the pictures, and said we were taking it to court and getting it dropped because if I was in the median already at a STOP, then it's not my fault. Unless I had been hit on the passenger side because I was merging, which didn't happen. 

Really, it was a bad day. I was so shocked and nervous. Went into work later that night and was very sore. Still am, had a splitting headache all day because when the guy hit me, my face hit the steering wheel. Needless to say, I wasn't pleased.

My boyfriend came by earlier this morning when I decided I wasn't going to my computer class, and let me sleep on him for about half an hour, before he tucked me into bed. :D I didn't really remember it when I woke up, which isn't that good. I have a doctors appointment set up for next week, so hopefully, I don't really have any damage - that it's just nerves. 

Anywho, mark your calendars people because come April 27th, I'll be going to court.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

duck plunge!

So, I saw this picture on flickr, and went crazy.

I don't know why, but I've become a fan of ducks the past few years now, and believe this picture is neat. :D

yesterday was going to be so productive.

I should say today, but since my sleep schedule and days are completely different from others, I think I'll go by what you normal people do.

So, let's seeeeee. I worked last night like every night and then headed straight to my computer class. It was fun. Got to code stuff and hang out with my friend RicanNoSpanish. (He's Puerto Rican and yet doesn't understand or speak a lick of Spanish!) Still, we had fun, a little problems occurred with the servers, but there wasn't anything we could do manually.

Afterward, we went up to our Student Center and I saw some people from my theater class that meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays(TTH). I asked how they were liking the class and if they thought any of it was... unfair. They replied no. Much to my dismay.

I don't recall if I've written much about theater, but.. I love theater, I absolutely do. But since taking this class and club for almost five years now, I have hardly anything good to say about it. It really depresses me and makes me feel blah. Why? Well, let's see... The spring semester is when people can write plays that can be performed for the fall semester. I've yet to had any of my plays go up, yet other people who have written 1-4 plays, are being put up AGAIN. They decided the third week of class who's plays were going up even though other people hadn't finished or still hadn't a clear idea for their work. I find this completely biased and unfair. Yet no one speaks up except me. The only one who has a clear problem is me. Because no one else seems to care because a)they are just wanting an easy grade or b) their play is going up. Don't get me wrong, the plays are somewhat good that are picked, but they didn't even wait till after Midterms to choose. It wasn't a class decision. And EVERYONE likes the play I have written this semester and thinks it should be a full play. You're probably wondering why not have it go up the next year? Problem is that the teacher/director is making it so that you HAVE to attend both classes. ANd since I decided that I wasn't going to take it anymore and go for Dental Hygiene, I wouldn't be able to. I'd just be taken advantage of, ALL over again. And don't think i haven't said anything. I have. I have always been the one to stand up and speak my mind, but I can only go so far, because I don't like to be mean, and I don't want to get kicked out of school. I'm not a mean person, by any means. :( It's just all very defeating. I mean, why should I even try and complete my work? It's not like it'll be able to be produced because I won't be there. :\ I mean, I'll continue to work on it, but not for the class, no point. It's just discouraging.

But one thing that made me happy today was I got sleep and an e-mail from my swap partner! :D

I was like, "AWE!" It definitely made my night at work better. Funny, my boyfriend texted me around the same time I opened the e-mail and he said he loved me. Which makes me even more, :DDDDD.

I hope I can stay like this, but I know when I get off work in the next six hours, I'll be heading to Theater which will just tear me down. Only good thing, is that my Literature class is right after that and we're watching, The Rievers. :D

Monday, March 22, 2010

sprinnnnng into action.

This weekend marked the beginning of Spring!

Hurrah! I felt the nice weather too on Friday and Saturday. Not so much today, errr Sunday. It was all icky and rainy. Then again, April is right around the corner.

It was a fairly nice weekend though. I had gone out with a friend of mine to a local karaoke place on Friday night. Ran into some people that I didn't particularly get along with, but I was civil. Headed out to the studio to listen to the boyfriend's band play, before we headed back to his house to cuddle. :D

Saturday, we went to the flea market and out to lunch. It was nice, we got to ride around which we never do. It's been a long time since we've both had a Saturday off, together. We looked around for rugs, because we'll be moving into the house soon.

Oh yeah! I don't think I told you guys. I'm moving in with Muse, sometime in April. It all depends on how the re-wiring and the floors. We have to put new floors in the kitchen and main bathroom because the water main broke. :( Still, we're getting a good deal on rent. Muse and I picked out paint colors for the wall too! It's mainly creme/white and black. Very mod. One room, which will be mine, is blue and will be sort of like an ocean theme. Another room is Muse's room, which will be his music center, and it's red. The bathrooms I think are white and one yellow. But that's mainly the tile.

Earlier this week, Muse, his cousin and myself - PAINTED CEILINGS! It was fun. I only did one room, but that's because I was sleep deprived from work and school.

Speaking of school, I think I've finally made a decision. After getting my bachelors this year, I'll be going back and enrolling into dental hygiene. I've researched enough and I really think it's what I want to do, instead of teaching. I'm setting up a meeting with a supervisor and we'll see what all I have to do. It is a two year program, so alas, I'm not getting away from school that easily!

Oooh, back on to what I did this weekend. We're now on Sunday! So I woke up and decided I wanted to go have lunch with the girls. One of which is getting married and invited me out to the dress fitting, where she asked me to be a bridesmaid! Sooooo, I'll be a busy bee. She want's me to help out the Maid of Honor in planning since I'm better organized. :P Which is fine, I can just be a secretary like thing. Still, her colors are black, white and red. The bridesmaids are black, her dress is white and red. Pretty, pretty, pretty! The only thing is, is I was considering the same colors for my wedding if I ever got married. Just because Muse's favorite color is red and we were thinking of doing an old Hollywood theme. Anywho!

I also received an e-mail on my Swap partner too! I'll be checking them out soon, so I can go shop for some goodies. :D

Till later, I'm gonna actually try and do some work. Jaa!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Spring Swap! :D

pen pals? heck yeah!

seriously though, i saw this on angel's page so i'm doing it. it'll be fun! everyone join in, else you fail...

Spring Swap. :D


Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I really hate working for this company.

The only saving grace is that I have my friend Angel who works with me.

Sunday night, I had to call out. Was running a fever, lost my voice.. Needless to say my manager was upset and made Angel work till 4 am. She had been there since 7am prior. I was MAD.

Still, I went to the doctor Monday morning. I have the flu along with sinusitis and bronchitis. FUN. My OBGYN, appointment was later in the day and I found out that I have dysplasia on my cervix. Basically, abnormal mutation growths. They gave me medicine to help clear it up and I have to have a pap-smear every 2 months. (Can't let it get out of control.)

Well, earlier tonight I was at home and went into my bathroom. One minute I'm fine the next I wake up on the tiled floor, calling for my mom. It hurt to move, to breathe. It was so utterly hot too.

I got up an hour later and had a fever. So I called Angel and asked if she could come to my house, drive my car to work and I pay for a room for her. Because I didn't want to be at the hotel by myself in case I blacked out again. And she said yes. THANK GOD.

This illness isn't fun. It reminds me of... the swine flu I had back in November..

I really just wanna be in mah bed.

I'm not going to my class tomorrow, because I can't. I'll be getting a zero on my test, but I don't think they want me infecting people.

Which makes me realize I haven't done my essay for english. a;skdfja;skfdj

I can't concentrate at all on it either. So I'm ducked.

yay. not.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

cough, fever, cramps, bleeding, oh my~!


I'm coughing, trying not to. Throat hurts. Slight fever. Cramping and bleeding. I had my period a week and a half ago, and I should not be bleeding! Especially not this heavy. It's really worrying me. Especially since my papsmear came back last year with abnormalties. Hopefully the doctor will squeeze me in today, because honestly, I'm in pain and can't afford to miss school or work.

Picked out paint colors yesterday with Muse. We should be moving in at the beginning of March it looks like. Depending on how long it's going to take to put new floors in the kitchen and bathroom.

I would elaborate more, but I feel I may just become bitchy and begin a rant. So, I'll say adieu.

Friday, February 12, 2010

another hair color. and i want my flippy flops!

Yeah. I dyed my hair again! I think I will forever be changing the colors. Right now it looks like.... Orange, orange, blonde, auburn... Yeah. Bright colors. I want spring here, quick!

Don't get me wrong, I love the Winter, and the cold... BUT. I'm missing my flip flops. Seriously, I really just want to wake up and just slide me feet into those suckers, without having to put socks and... tennis shoes on. -shudder- I honestly can't stand sneakers anymore, too constricting. I really should invest in some boots, considering I don't have any... The last pair I had I wore down to the point I was getting blisters and stuff on my feet. Had 'em for about.... seven years.

My feet don't grow anymore. :P

School has been okay so far this semester. I keep moving from this Math class and I feel I'll never make it. Really, I ended up dropping the thing because I just didn't understand it. So I went back to theater. WHICH!... afkjals;dfj We are allowed to make a theater club at the college!

Ain't that exciting?

I think it's fabulous, I've been bugging people about it for almost four years now. The only thing is, is our sponsor, who is my teacher and theater director, nominated officers. Now, I do ALOT for theater and this woman. I'm always organized, I get people to come. I do everything almost. And you know what? She didn't even nominate me for President of the Club. aksldfj;aslkdjf I'm so upset. It's really heartbreaking. Not even VP either. No, she nominated me for Treasury/PR. Granted, I like being the spokesperson and what not, getting our names and plays out there. But... really? I deserved that position the most. If we had done it by experience, faithfulness, and who had been there the longest, I would have gotten it no question. But no, she gives the President job to a friend of mine who is good, but is not even enrolled in the school! (She said she would pay for him to come back to school. Not fair, pay for my shit too!) He's got great talent with music and writing and all, but he is late, shy, and just not organized. The VP position was given to another friend of mine, and while I'm kinda iffy on it, I think she would be good for that position. But she too hasn't been there as long as I have been and neither is she on time. -SIGH-

Maybe I'm just blowing this out of the water in my head. I mean the only person I talked to about this was Muse, and he said that I should have said something. But, what could I say? I'm hardly available during the days because as soon as I get out of class, I'm at home sleeping so I can go into work.

Speaking of work.

This girl that Angel and I work with got fired today. FINALLY. MUHAHAHAHA.

In all seriousness, I was getting tired of her. She was making it very difficult for people here. In fact she was the main reason we have to have a dress code and not be able to sit down behind the desk or wear jackets when it gets cold. Not to mention, she screwed up ALOT and never tried to learn her mistakes. She was very rude and the past two months... Always late.

I mean, don't get me wrong, i feel bad she was fired. But she brought it on herself and I have to look out for me. The only person I would cover for, would be Angel. But that goes without saying.

Gah. I have another hour and ten minutes left before I'm officially allowed to leave this place called work. I'm ready to get into my pajamas and hop into bed and bundle up underneath covers. BUT. I have to wait until Muse comes over because before he goes to start working on our house.. Haha, our.. ANYWAY. Before he goes to do that, he was going to drop off my Valentines gifts. Since we won't see each other on Sunday. Which sucks, but at least we are celebrating it. (Even though I think it's a hallmark holiday.)

I have this urge to make chocolate. I think it would be nice, and fitting. But... I think I would catch the house on fire somehow!

Oh wells!

Monday, February 1, 2010

update with a rant and thoughts

I've let this poor little blog go to the waste side. It's not that I don't like it. In fact, i love it. Because I can express things on here I can't to others. I mean, the only ones who read this don't judge, so I'm good. Others, I'd be wary. Most would wonder why I would care. But I do care. I don't want everyone to think I'm a cruel hearltess bitch. Now do I?

So what's on my mind at 5:15 am in the morning? Actually, better question. Why am I up? Because I'm working fools! I really need a new job. This audit thing is running me ragged. Completely ragged. I realized that sleep is soooo much better during the night hours. ANYWHO.

Tonight has been one of the first nights that my boyfriend, Muse hasn't come to visit. He has work in the morning, so he couldn't come by and visit. Which is completely understandable and which is why I'm here. I'm left to myself to think on this graveyard shift. Since, no one really comes through here. Thank goodness. But I pray sometimes, that someone will come in and disrupt my thoughts.

These thoughts tend to get the best of me. I think of, "what if's" and stuff of the sort. I also think about the day I had - or will have. Past. Present. Future. All the good things.. and bad.

Recently, I've been plagued with making decisions that will make me a better person and friend. I've noticed that my tolerance level for immaturity has gone down. I have hardly any of it. I typically fly off the handle when things of that nature appear. Instantly wanting it to go away.

For instance. There is a friend of mine who we will call... -thinks- Rocker? Nah. WannabeComedian! Not that he's not funny, but he wants to be that one day and more power to him. But he's been dating this girl for months now who causes a lot of grief. Now, the chick is pretty cool. Just a little mental. (Why are girls so mental these days?) Now, with that said. People have mentioned that if he's unhappy, then do something. Talk, compromise, something! Some have mentioned the idea of breaking up, and that's all I've heard. "God, I want to break up with her." or "I wish she would end it." Something to that effect. SO, they end their relationship. I called to make sure said friend was fine, and he said he was. Saying it was the best choice. Which I said, "It probably was. But just make sure you are okay." Now.. It doesn't suprise any of our friends that they are back together two days later. I don't really care. I do care when said friend says this, "I felt pressured into making that choice. I wasn't ready. And I wanna take it back." AHEM. ONE. You can't take shit back. If you think you can, you're a moron. TWO. If you weren't 'ready' then why keep complaining about it? If you weren't 'ready' then why do it? THREE. Pressured? BULLSHIT. No one can force you to do anything. (This is debatable. But I firmly believe that everyone has a choice.) No one forced you to break up with your girlfriend. No one said, "You need to or else." Nothing like that. So don't blame shit on us. THE FRIENDS YOU CARE AND TRUST... wtf ever.... anyway.....

Mini-rants are good. I could go on. But I feel that my blog will be much longer than I intended. And while that may be a good thing, I doubt the few people who ready this, want to hear me rant. (Seeing as how I rant all the time.)

On a happier note, Muse and I celebrated our one month mark! This past Friday. :D We are doing amazingly well. In fact no fights, at all. Well... -shakes head- Nah, none really. I mean we have like an argument over something that is debatable - but nothing that has to do with us and our relationship. THANK GOD.

My mum and step dad offered us one of the house my family rents out. Since it'll be available and renovated slightly by March. So, hopefully, if things go right and as smooth as I want, I'll be moving into a house with my boyfriend in a month or so. Which makes me happy and extremely nervous. I've never lived with anyone who wasn't family. Plus, Muse I and haven't been dating that long to warrant us living together. BUT. It feels right. Like it's the best choice. I'm hoping that it is.

The other night, I jokingly said, "We should go to the court today and just get married.." He then asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to marry me today, right now?" I just grinned. Toothy, goofy grin. Nodded feverently, "OKAY! Let's go!"

Haha, we got a kick out of it. Lol.

He says that he's found 'the one' and that if he could afford it, he would have already asked me to marry him. But seeing as how my dream ring costs. $3,800.. He's gotta build up some moneyssss for that sort of thing. Haha.

I'm wondering... When will it be, when this time of happiness comes to an end? I can't help but think pessimistically. I've been thinking that way for years now. I hope and hope and hope, and pray.. Then something good comes, for a little bit and it's gone again.

I don't want it to go.

I'm extremely worried that it will leave just as easily as it came.

I know that I need to try and stay positive, because that pessimism will probably hurt me in the long run. But I think it's okay to guard myself. Just a little, right? There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Not at all.

If this is a dream.. I don't wanna wake up.

Friday, January 22, 2010

new year, new stuff. 2010 baby!

Okay, so perhaps I got carried away with the title.

Still, it IS a new year.

Shortly after I hit the post button on my last blog, Muse decided to walk right into my work. We proceeded to talk casually, joking and the sorts. I playfully said to him, "You're gonna get tired of me soon.." Which he responds, "Really now? And here I was gonna ask you to be my girlfriend.."

Needless to say I freaked out. Quite literally. I almost spit out my water, and looked at him increduously. Seriously, I just stared. Then blushed. And started asking questions and we started talking hypothetically. An hour later, after we got completely off the subject with random topics that came up - I said yes.

Now. Now. Now.

I know what you all are thinking.

She's crazy. She was just upset over NoSoul and Cancer. Bonkers.

Perhaps I am.

I've thought about this alot lately. I've thought about this relationship I'm currently in.
"Am I in this relationship to just be with someone?"
Answer is no. It may look differently, but I honestly don't believe that. I don't have any hesitation unlike the others. Now, the thing with Cancer, I do believe it's because of the issues with NoSoul. Because I lost a child. And that still hurts, so much. It will never change. But I believe I clinged to Cancer because he 'cared' and I thought that it was okay. But it wasn't. I wasn't in love with him. I was trying to force myself like before, because I didn't want to be in pain.

Maybe this relationship is moving quickly, but I don't care.

I'm taking this as slow as possible. I'm learning from the past. And so far the past month has been bliss.

Muse makes me really happy. I'm not jealous or possessive. He gives me just the right amount of attention.
He is a great person and very handsome. I'm surprised I got so lucky. So lucky to ring the new year with him and his friends and mine.


Anywho. The hotel is beckoning. I need to replinsh things and get the hell outta here. More updates later. <3