Tuesday, December 29, 2009

beginning anew.

So, the past few weeks have been up and down.

Literally. I feel like an idiot for wanting Cancer back. Seriously, I think I was lonely. In many ways I still feel that way. But I think a part of ourselves will be like that till we find 'the one' or something similar.

School will be back in session in two weeks. Hurrah!

Christmas was good, I got a new digital camera. Pictures will be uploaded soon! :D

For the past week or so now, I've been hanging out with an old friend from highschool. Let's call him... Muse. (The band is totally awesome.) Anyway. Muse is a really cool guy. He decided to come by my work one night and he ended up staying the whole night! Even took me to breakfast afterwards. Every day since, we've seen eachother and hung out for more than an hour - up to 10 hours. He's so easy to talk to. Very sweet. Incredibly gorgeous. And very talented. He is in a band and plays the guitar amazingly.

I could go into detail - step by step - on all the little things he does that make me comfortable. That make me feel at ease. I notice every now and then I get extremely nervous around him but everytime my eyes meet his - it's silenced. We have a good sense of humor around one another.

He's met my parents, I've met his and his grandparent's in this week. Both meeting other friends of ours. And nothing misses a beat. It's like the music is coming together perfectly.

It was not my intention to start liking this guy. I just wanted to hang out with him again because he was a good friend in highschool. But now, I really like him more than a friend. Which is not good. Why? Because I'm not good with relationships. I always tend to screw them up somehow. Not to mention, I really do not want to ruin our friendship. I value it too much. I have someone who I can talk to about stuff that's not another female. I can learn things from a male point of view...

I feel so incredibly weak yet empowered at the same time. My knees shake, the feel like they'll go out underneath me. My heart beats so incredibly fast and my stomach, feels like it's floating. I hate being like a... GIRL.

Thinking gets me in trouble, especially when I'm at work and it's slow. All I can do is think and write. My parents and friends told me to not fall so hard so fast anymore. To take my time, and I'm trying so hard. But.. I just feel  like.. So many things. I think he will get tired of me quickly, even though things are going smoothly as of now. Then I think that I'm really not that great for him to like me so much. AND then I feel his soft caressing finger on my skin, his hands searching for mine... I want to just hug him and kiss him but I force myself not to. I don't want to rush it. I don't want to fall.

I'm trying to catch myself. I feel like I'm just diving and when I jerk a little I hit a branch or something. It's weird. I want to think and say I've never felt this. but I have. I've felt similar things. It's like looking into someone's eyes and just know that you're connected somehow, someway.

And I HATE thinking like this. FEELING, like this. Because I feel it makes me weak. That I'm going to end up hurting someone and get hurt in the process. I do not like fear.

For my benefit I'm trying to take it slow. Even though part of me just wants to, GAH. aslfdajs;ldfj

It's funny. Just really funny how things are these days.

How one moment you can think one thing and the next day it change. People - women - are so fickle. I wish I wasn't. I don't know.. I came to peace a few weeks ago. Now.. Now I'm just like raging waters during a tropical storm.

Hopefully, that I will just let thing flow.

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