Tuesday, December 29, 2009

beginning anew.

So, the past few weeks have been up and down.

Literally. I feel like an idiot for wanting Cancer back. Seriously, I think I was lonely. In many ways I still feel that way. But I think a part of ourselves will be like that till we find 'the one' or something similar.

School will be back in session in two weeks. Hurrah!

Christmas was good, I got a new digital camera. Pictures will be uploaded soon! :D

For the past week or so now, I've been hanging out with an old friend from highschool. Let's call him... Muse. (The band is totally awesome.) Anyway. Muse is a really cool guy. He decided to come by my work one night and he ended up staying the whole night! Even took me to breakfast afterwards. Every day since, we've seen eachother and hung out for more than an hour - up to 10 hours. He's so easy to talk to. Very sweet. Incredibly gorgeous. And very talented. He is in a band and plays the guitar amazingly.

I could go into detail - step by step - on all the little things he does that make me comfortable. That make me feel at ease. I notice every now and then I get extremely nervous around him but everytime my eyes meet his - it's silenced. We have a good sense of humor around one another.

He's met my parents, I've met his and his grandparent's in this week. Both meeting other friends of ours. And nothing misses a beat. It's like the music is coming together perfectly.

It was not my intention to start liking this guy. I just wanted to hang out with him again because he was a good friend in highschool. But now, I really like him more than a friend. Which is not good. Why? Because I'm not good with relationships. I always tend to screw them up somehow. Not to mention, I really do not want to ruin our friendship. I value it too much. I have someone who I can talk to about stuff that's not another female. I can learn things from a male point of view...

I feel so incredibly weak yet empowered at the same time. My knees shake, the feel like they'll go out underneath me. My heart beats so incredibly fast and my stomach, feels like it's floating. I hate being like a... GIRL.

Thinking gets me in trouble, especially when I'm at work and it's slow. All I can do is think and write. My parents and friends told me to not fall so hard so fast anymore. To take my time, and I'm trying so hard. But.. I just feel  like.. So many things. I think he will get tired of me quickly, even though things are going smoothly as of now. Then I think that I'm really not that great for him to like me so much. AND then I feel his soft caressing finger on my skin, his hands searching for mine... I want to just hug him and kiss him but I force myself not to. I don't want to rush it. I don't want to fall.

I'm trying to catch myself. I feel like I'm just diving and when I jerk a little I hit a branch or something. It's weird. I want to think and say I've never felt this. but I have. I've felt similar things. It's like looking into someone's eyes and just know that you're connected somehow, someway.

And I HATE thinking like this. FEELING, like this. Because I feel it makes me weak. That I'm going to end up hurting someone and get hurt in the process. I do not like fear.

For my benefit I'm trying to take it slow. Even though part of me just wants to, GAH. aslfdajs;ldfj

It's funny. Just really funny how things are these days.

How one moment you can think one thing and the next day it change. People - women - are so fickle. I wish I wasn't. I don't know.. I came to peace a few weeks ago. Now.. Now I'm just like raging waters during a tropical storm.

Hopefully, that I will just let thing flow.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

idiocy makes the world go round.

I'm really pissed.

Yesterday.. Or.. Let's do this in terms of days and not what I think. Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday I recieved a call from Cancer's mother. She left a voicemail and then proceeded to call my mother. To which the conversations went down hill. She went on and on about how I need to leave her son alone (I haven't said anything to him) because I have caused enough pain for their family. That he doesn't love me and that it was over. That we never really had a relationship and if she has anything to say about it, we won't have one in the future.

That hurt. ALOT. Considering he JUST told me he was still in love with me and that he would have to pray to God about it.

It was pretty hurtful. I literally felt someone or something reaching into my heart to grab it and snatch it out. I felt and still feel like I've been cut so deep, and the blood is just pouring from me so slowly. It's pretty aggravating and disconcerting.

I have not recieved a message or call from Cancer. I don't expect to. After that, I don't know what to expect anymore.


Still! Onto other things. I just finished my online exam for Music. So that's good. :D
My theater exam is tomorrow, errr today in about seven hours.
I plan to eat with my group before we part ways.
Then I have to tend to my best friend, her grandfather passed, so I'll be with her at the funeral.
Sleep and then work.

My schedule has been screwed up thanks to my manager, because she doesn't want to work the shifts that other people have requested off, and decided that I should do it. Even though I don't work weekends or second shift. But, I told her that it was ONLY going to be for these two weeks because one of the two people ish my friend and I don't mind doing it for her. The other is just whatever, she needs a weekend off. STILL.

Anyway. Let's get off that subject too.

So last night at work, I get greeted by a guest who is staying here for the next two weeks. He continues to stay and talk to me for an hour or two and asks for my name and if I wanted to go out this weekend. To which I told him no. I know, I'm horrible. But I'm just... Meh. Then the guy who delivers the papers came in to talk to me longer than usual and was like, "You know, I've been talking to you for weeks now and don't even know your name." Now, that girls, is how it is done. It was so cute the way he did it, he was just like, -grin- I was amused and blushed the shade of Rudolfs nose, and told him. It was sort of awkwardly cute. After the introductions, he went on to say, "Well I'm glad I remembered to ask because I was wondering about it for awhile now.." Now, now. This boy is cute and seems to be sweet. He can carry on a conversation as well. But, I'm so weird to this thing I don't know how to act. Especially since I'm still hurting over Cancer and even NoSoul.

So, what should I do?
Should I say yes to CountryBoy?
Or should I take charge with PaperBoy?

I am in limbo. Utter limbo. I wish that Cancer would have called by now. I wish that his mother never called. In fact.. Just meh. I wish a lot of things but you know. Like I have said before, I can't change it, because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today. Many people tell me I'm strong, but am I? I feel incredibly weak. Just the other day I felt like slipping back to how I used to be. (Drinking, Drugs, Cutting) But I kept fighting it, instead I just cried and punched my pillow. So much that the feathers went "poof!"

I used to love this time of year, but it's just so stressful, and I really don't like it now. :\