Tuesday, December 29, 2009

beginning anew.

So, the past few weeks have been up and down.

Literally. I feel like an idiot for wanting Cancer back. Seriously, I think I was lonely. In many ways I still feel that way. But I think a part of ourselves will be like that till we find 'the one' or something similar.

School will be back in session in two weeks. Hurrah!

Christmas was good, I got a new digital camera. Pictures will be uploaded soon! :D

For the past week or so now, I've been hanging out with an old friend from highschool. Let's call him... Muse. (The band is totally awesome.) Anyway. Muse is a really cool guy. He decided to come by my work one night and he ended up staying the whole night! Even took me to breakfast afterwards. Every day since, we've seen eachother and hung out for more than an hour - up to 10 hours. He's so easy to talk to. Very sweet. Incredibly gorgeous. And very talented. He is in a band and plays the guitar amazingly.

I could go into detail - step by step - on all the little things he does that make me comfortable. That make me feel at ease. I notice every now and then I get extremely nervous around him but everytime my eyes meet his - it's silenced. We have a good sense of humor around one another.

He's met my parents, I've met his and his grandparent's in this week. Both meeting other friends of ours. And nothing misses a beat. It's like the music is coming together perfectly.

It was not my intention to start liking this guy. I just wanted to hang out with him again because he was a good friend in highschool. But now, I really like him more than a friend. Which is not good. Why? Because I'm not good with relationships. I always tend to screw them up somehow. Not to mention, I really do not want to ruin our friendship. I value it too much. I have someone who I can talk to about stuff that's not another female. I can learn things from a male point of view...

I feel so incredibly weak yet empowered at the same time. My knees shake, the feel like they'll go out underneath me. My heart beats so incredibly fast and my stomach, feels like it's floating. I hate being like a... GIRL.

Thinking gets me in trouble, especially when I'm at work and it's slow. All I can do is think and write. My parents and friends told me to not fall so hard so fast anymore. To take my time, and I'm trying so hard. But.. I just feel  like.. So many things. I think he will get tired of me quickly, even though things are going smoothly as of now. Then I think that I'm really not that great for him to like me so much. AND then I feel his soft caressing finger on my skin, his hands searching for mine... I want to just hug him and kiss him but I force myself not to. I don't want to rush it. I don't want to fall.

I'm trying to catch myself. I feel like I'm just diving and when I jerk a little I hit a branch or something. It's weird. I want to think and say I've never felt this. but I have. I've felt similar things. It's like looking into someone's eyes and just know that you're connected somehow, someway.

And I HATE thinking like this. FEELING, like this. Because I feel it makes me weak. That I'm going to end up hurting someone and get hurt in the process. I do not like fear.

For my benefit I'm trying to take it slow. Even though part of me just wants to, GAH. aslfdajs;ldfj

It's funny. Just really funny how things are these days.

How one moment you can think one thing and the next day it change. People - women - are so fickle. I wish I wasn't. I don't know.. I came to peace a few weeks ago. Now.. Now I'm just like raging waters during a tropical storm.

Hopefully, that I will just let thing flow.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

idiocy makes the world go round.

I'm really pissed.

Yesterday.. Or.. Let's do this in terms of days and not what I think. Tuesday. Yes, Tuesday I recieved a call from Cancer's mother. She left a voicemail and then proceeded to call my mother. To which the conversations went down hill. She went on and on about how I need to leave her son alone (I haven't said anything to him) because I have caused enough pain for their family. That he doesn't love me and that it was over. That we never really had a relationship and if she has anything to say about it, we won't have one in the future.

That hurt. ALOT. Considering he JUST told me he was still in love with me and that he would have to pray to God about it.

It was pretty hurtful. I literally felt someone or something reaching into my heart to grab it and snatch it out. I felt and still feel like I've been cut so deep, and the blood is just pouring from me so slowly. It's pretty aggravating and disconcerting.

I have not recieved a message or call from Cancer. I don't expect to. After that, I don't know what to expect anymore.


Still! Onto other things. I just finished my online exam for Music. So that's good. :D
My theater exam is tomorrow, errr today in about seven hours.
I plan to eat with my group before we part ways.
Then I have to tend to my best friend, her grandfather passed, so I'll be with her at the funeral.
Sleep and then work.

My schedule has been screwed up thanks to my manager, because she doesn't want to work the shifts that other people have requested off, and decided that I should do it. Even though I don't work weekends or second shift. But, I told her that it was ONLY going to be for these two weeks because one of the two people ish my friend and I don't mind doing it for her. The other is just whatever, she needs a weekend off. STILL.

Anyway. Let's get off that subject too.

So last night at work, I get greeted by a guest who is staying here for the next two weeks. He continues to stay and talk to me for an hour or two and asks for my name and if I wanted to go out this weekend. To which I told him no. I know, I'm horrible. But I'm just... Meh. Then the guy who delivers the papers came in to talk to me longer than usual and was like, "You know, I've been talking to you for weeks now and don't even know your name." Now, that girls, is how it is done. It was so cute the way he did it, he was just like, -grin- I was amused and blushed the shade of Rudolfs nose, and told him. It was sort of awkwardly cute. After the introductions, he went on to say, "Well I'm glad I remembered to ask because I was wondering about it for awhile now.." Now, now. This boy is cute and seems to be sweet. He can carry on a conversation as well. But, I'm so weird to this thing I don't know how to act. Especially since I'm still hurting over Cancer and even NoSoul.

So, what should I do?
Should I say yes to CountryBoy?
Or should I take charge with PaperBoy?

I am in limbo. Utter limbo. I wish that Cancer would have called by now. I wish that his mother never called. In fact.. Just meh. I wish a lot of things but you know. Like I have said before, I can't change it, because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today. Many people tell me I'm strong, but am I? I feel incredibly weak. Just the other day I felt like slipping back to how I used to be. (Drinking, Drugs, Cutting) But I kept fighting it, instead I just cried and punched my pillow. So much that the feathers went "poof!"

I used to love this time of year, but it's just so stressful, and I really don't like it now. :\

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

long overdue post


It's been a while since I wrote last.

Let's give the updates:
  • I am no longer trying to be friends with NoSoul, he is dead to me. He actually thinks I called the cops on him for drinking, UNDERAGE, at a bar. Whatever.
  • I turned 22 and I ended up losing a friend in Cancer because he wanted to be more than friends.
  • I ended up getting swine flu and it's still kicking my ass.
So yeah. That's about it. Oh! Alaska will be home soon. I got tickets for Rent the Musical and then we are planning on doing some karaoke afterwards. :D

Theater is theater, the evil redhead is no longer a part of our company, WOOT!

I'm now going to lay back down and try to get rid of this fever. :D

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I'm at work half awake and half in pain.

My right arm and hand hurts like I don't know what. But I'm pretty much on the verge of tears. It's to the point where I want to call my manager and ask her to come in. Because it's too much. I think it is from the shots last week and what not- but you never know.


In order to not be comsumed by the pain and not to fall asleep, (not like I can anyway.) I've decided to try and give an explanation on to what's going on as far as school is concerned.

Well, I have this kid in my theater class is a total diva. So, Divo likes to stop practice and interject things and wants to try and control every single aspect of everything.It's pretty aggravating. Not to mention he is trying to steal parts.

Now if I didn't like him with that, just think about if this "diva" would come over to you and tell you that he understands because he identifies himself as a woman more than a mind. And you all know me that - THATpisses me off. Assumptions, liars and all that shit.

Still there could be more but I think it'll just make me angrier -_-

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

about to drop!

Oh my dear blog world! How I have missed you so. Especially since my internet connection of lack there of was excruciating slow in bottom of the US. I swear, I believe technology hates me! Stilllll, much has happened and you get to be filled with allllllllll of what's going on.

Let's begin where I left off.

Hmm, oh yes. I was able to go to the doctors and get my hair done. Yuuup! I got my letter from the doctor as well, so yipee! I don't have to lose the entire amount. Which is good, because I was extremely worried about it. -tries to think about almost a week ago- I'm lacking in the sleep department so bare with me. Oh! Thursday was interesting. Well, I'll just say that I lost my glasses at a gas station and had to drive two hours back home to get another pair and drive for another two hours to take care of the bestest -Neko. It was really upsetting. Not to mention drama had started at school to which will be an entirely different blog about.

I got to the bestest's and crashed, before hanging out with her the next day till I had to leave for my Dad's. Yeah, my Dad is married, again. The wedding was nice, I mean hell I was in it AND I sang. So I think it wasn't too bad. I would have done things differently of course. It was a simple hick-wedding. I now have 3 new sisters, 14 nieces and nephews - AND one sister makes and sells sex toys for a living. Yeah, IMAGINE how the reception went! I don't know if I'll be able to look at those toys ever again. -shudder-

Saw Poker the other night and Cancer earlier tonight. Went to see the movie Paranormal Activity. WHICHFREAKEDMETHEFUCKOUT. I cried. Literally, like tears people. It was the mind fuck of the century. I'm gonna stop talking about it, because it makes me think about it and it was... asfija;sfkjaslfjas;lkfja;sfja;sfja;s. Oh, and if I haven't illustrated that it was scary then: askldfj;asdfajskdfh;asdfj;askfja;slkfj;asdlfsldjf;kajf;asjf;asfj;askjfal;ksda;jfasjf;asdkjf;sfjaslfsa;fdj;asjfa;sfjasjdfsjfsjf;asjdf;asdjfas;dfj;asdjfa;sfjas;lfjalsjfa;sjf;asfjasdfja;lsfja;sfdj;asfjas;jfalsjfalsjflsjfa;slfjslkfjslkfjsadjf;asjdf;asjdfa;sdfj;asfjasldfjalsfja;djfaslfa;sfjsljflasdjfalsjfsljfalsfja;dfja;sfdjasldjfa;fdj;asjfa;sdjfa;sfja;sdfj;afdjdfja;dsjfa;sdfja;fja;sfja;jfa;jfa;dfja;ksfdja;djf;ajdfajfa;sdfasdfljk;aslfkdjas;dfjasdf;lkjasdf;ljkaesdfokljedfsokljafdsjfadsj;klefdasiokjjfeokasjldvd;aeljfkds;alfa;fj;sdjf;asfdj

Okay. :D

Now I'm at work. Bored. Can't sleep, even though I could have but am too freaked out. I really don't wanna go to school tomorrow. I REALLY don't want to go to Theater because I'm sure I'm gonna go off on the red-headed divo in class. I'm sorta meh.

More later, I'm too ADD to focus on writing now.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

super busy-ness

So, the postal service is the devil. Alaska has yet to receive his presents. (Grrrrrrr.) Hopefully he'll get them by Monday, because that's when he leaves for Japan. I wrote him a cute letter a little bit ago. Why? Well, in the next few weeks I'll be busy - not to mention I don't know how often I'll be getting online. I also expressed that if he can't get in touch with me to call me when he touches down here. He has to keep his promise! (me being able to pounce him after his parents pick him up from the airport)

Yeah, it's gonna be SUPER busy in the next month.
Let's go down the list. Today, as soon as I get off work, hopefully at 7, I'll be heading to the doctors for a check up after my surgery and the like. Then around 1:30 I have a hair appointment. Yup, I'm redoing my hair, AGAIN. I think I go through so many colors and hairstyles that maybe I should change my name to dye-crazy. Oooh, that'd be nice. Muhaha. Afterwards, I'll finally be able to sleep unless someone bugs me to do something. (But I doubt it, because I haven't had sleep in over 50 hours.) Then back to work, followed by school and Charleston. My bestest, Neko is having surgery because she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I'll be getting there as soon as she gets out of surgery. I'll be staying with her for the night and day on Friday before heading to GA/FL for my dad's so-called wedding.

Yeah, busy week.

Not to mention I've got several birthday parties to plan. INCLUDING mine. Though, I may skip my birthday this year. I think it would be best in the long run.

Ugh. So the manager called and said she was going to be late. Hm, looks like I'll be here a bit longer than expected. Whatevs.

BACK TO PARTIES. Yes, I think I'll skip mine. I dunno though, I haven't really decided. I kinda wanna do a masquerade theme since it's so close to Halloween. But meh. Perhaps just a nice dinner or something with family and friends. I think that'll be the best.

Then more exams are coming up and crunch time for the plays. I have to sing AND dance too. Mehhhh. That should be fun.

I still haven't really decided about going to Cancun with NoSoul or not. I mean. I have to look at this objectively. It's a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. All expenses paid. The fact of the matter is, is that the feelings I have towards him right now - are not too nice. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love the boy - but I think i was in love with the idea of him, or rather I was in love with the person he showed me which wasn't his true self. Put that along with him being a jerk and I don't know if I should go. Today though is the day it will be decided. Since I'm going to the doctors, I'm going to see if he'll write a letter to the airlines so I can get my money back for the plane ticket. If he can't/won't, then it's either go on the trip or only get $250.00 from NoSoul. (He finally agreed, and wrote in an e-mail that he would pay for half the ticket.) So, I'm pretty much hoping that my doctor will be kind enough to tell the airlines that I have a condition that is going to prevent me from going to Mexico. CROSSYOURFINGERSPEOPLE.

I've been listening to Paramore straight since their new CD came out. I'm pretty much obsessed with them. Their songs make me feel happy - or at least a little more calm.

Ugh, we don't have cereal here...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

postal service, alaska's bday, late night chats, ponderings.

First I'd like to say,

Happy Birthday, Alaska! :D
Yesh, a shout out to him even though he doesn't know this exists. Heh, yeah. I'm crazy, perhaps. So the postal service is like dead to me right now, because they said his present would be there on Saturday. (Hence why I paid 30 extra dollars.) YET. It's still not there. :\ Alaska said that it is normal. Meh, I just hope it gets there today, at the latest - the end of this week because he leaves for Japan.

On to other things, Tendou just left from visiting with me at work. He came in to talk and just catch up on stuff seeing as how he's like an older brother to me. We discussed a lot, mainly things dealing with Tohru and my bestest Neko. He's having a difficult time when it comes to matters of the heart, and I'm certainly not one to give advice, but... I listened and tried to give my POV when needed. It's a confusing situation. One which I won't go into much detail - for the simple fact that it's still sensitive.

Hopefully Tendou will come to the right conclusions. He's a good person at heart - but I just don't want what happened to me, to happen to Tohru. And I can see that happening to a degree. Not the situation, just the feelings of hurt and betrayal. Then again, everyone is different and I have a tendancy to want to protect the girls instead of the boys when it comes to matters of the heart. Though, this time I can't do that. Because no one is either right or wrong.

Still! We got on to happy subjects, like anime and drawings and stuff. It's nice to talk to someone and know that they don't expect anything. It's hard to talk to people. I mean for me. People may not believe it, but when it comes down to it, I'm scared to let out my feelings on things. I don't want to burden anyone, I don't want to make anyone worry. Not to mention I don't want to bring up things that may upset the other person for reasons that I may or may not know of. So I tend to keep quiet unless I just NEED to let it out. Though, with Tendou, I can talk to him about most things that I'm concerned with. Not so much Neko - because he obviously still loves her. But, meh.

Speaking of which! This Thursday I'll be heading to visit with Neko, she's having surgery because she was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. I told her I would be there as soon as i got out of class. After I spend the night with her, I'll be heading to GA/FL area for my Dad's wedding on Saturday. Yeah. My dad's getting married again, woo hoo. Kay, so I'm not too excited. Maybe it's just because they are making this thing so informal, but whatevs.

Work was seemingly quiet tonight. I got about an hour of sleep - now I just gotta wait another hour before Angel comes in and I can go to class.

afdjaf Alexz Johnson just came up in my shuffle and I just wanted to let people know that she is an AMAZING artist(singer/actress). Everyone should definitely check her out.

Well, that's gonna do it for now kiddos! I'll check back with y'all later,

Monday, October 19, 2009

sunday night - minday morning, brr.

Well my lovelies, this weekend has been eventful. NOT. (Save for the conert. :D)

Let's start this blog out with HAPPINESS. Ne?

Sooooo, went to the fair Friday night with Tendou, Cancer, and Tohru. It was fun! Met up with Rocker, Emo, and others as well. All and all it was a good time. I felt awkward towards the end because I know how Cancer feels towards me, considering we dated for two years and now we are friends. (Atleast we are trying to be.) The next morning, I get into a conversation with Cancer and am being basically blamed for things. Uh, I told you from the beginning I'm not ready for a relationship and didn't want you to think I would ever consider getting back with you. You know, if it didn't work out the first time around, what makes you think it'll work out again? Because you've changed? Uh, no. That stuff takes longer to change than a year. You know what stuff I'm talking about, the anger, the control, the feeling of being absolutely nothing.

ANYWAY. After that, I think he got the picture that I just want to be friends, JudgementalMuch and Tohru came over. Now. This is where I get kinda upset. I told the girls to come over around 4, Tohru was awesome and came over at 4:30 (she knows I like my sleep), where as JudgementalMuch came over EARLY. Thirty minutes to be precise. I was very grumpy. She told me she didn't even have her ticket and she hoped they weren't sold out.... Uhm, yeah. WHAT?! Ugh, I swear, people who don't order in advance and make plans - then whine. (IDIOTS) Anyway, we headed towards the fair for the DAVID COOK CONCERT. :D Happy day. It was drizzling, freezing, and all around yucky. But I WASHAPPY. Until JudgementalMuch actually got a ticket that was better than mine and Tohru's. Uh, can we say that's not fair? I mean I ordered mine in advanced and yet she can go the day of and get a better ticket? Yeah, not liking the whole ticket thing very much at this point. We were separated and Tohru and I had a fun time. We sang, danced, took pictures (which will be coming as soon as I upload them on this computer) and overall had a blast. Afterwards, I got a hoodie, scarf annnnnd a picture of David Cook. I was a happy girl. Almost felt like a teeny bopper for a moment.

As I was heading home, I was making plans to go play poker with Vegas and Ms.Jackson. When I got home though, I showed off the stuff to my mother and fell asleep on the couch. Waking up at like 4 am, I called Vegas and we got into an argument because he said I stood him up. (Uh, we're not dating man.) It was cleared up thankfully, and we're going to be playing poker later tonight/tomorrow.

I pretty much slept the entire day of Sunday before work. It was bliss. I wish I could sleep more, it's really nice yet incredibly sad. I wish that my real life was better than my dreams so I could stay awake. Maybe it's just from the surgery or something. Whatever it is, I wish I could sleep now, but worrrrrrrrk is saying that's not a good idea.

Speaking of work, can I say that the owner is freaking crazy? I've yet to meet him and everything he does just screams CRAZY. I feel bad for the managers of the hotels he owns, because I know they must have a headache from dealing with him. I mean, I do and I don't really WORK with him. Oh wells, atleast Angel is here and we can talk of the stupidity of this place and be content in knowing we are the best here. Hahaha.

So, I'm sorta worried about Alaska. Yeah, I sent his present last Thursday and was told he should get it Saturday. I haven't heard from the boy since Thursday. He's probably just busy. I mean, hell, I would be too if I was working 13 hour shifts and getting ready to go to Japan and the like. Still, I hope he txts or calls soon. I'd like to know how he liked his gifts. :D

Work right now is pretty quiet. Like, if there were crickets here, the would so be chirping. Did I mention that it is freezing? Well, I can't say FREEZING, because it's not. But it's pretty chilly. I'm bundled up in my DC Hoodie. :D Muhahaha. I would turn on my music, but the last time I did that a guest scared me half to death by poking me out of my techno trance. (Not real fun there.) Still, I may watch Sweeney Todd. It is after all 1 am and I have six more hours till I have to leave.

Perhaps I will write more in the next few hours. But until then, adieu!

Friday, October 16, 2009

morning, morning, sleeep.

I'm at work.

Did I mention I work at a hotel with Angel? Yeah. She was awesome to get me this job. It's pretty laid back here. Mainly because it doesn't get THAT busy. Save for military graduations and the such. Expect to see alot of random posts while I'm at work. Why? Because I don't wanna fall asleep on the job, unless I had a cot... hmm, where is that thing?!

So it's almost time for me to leave. Less than an hour left, but these people here are driving me insane. Ever ten minutes the phone rings, hangs up, calls back, hangs up. Is the person on the other line verbally challenged? I meand, seriously. Not to mention, people are complaining about the bugs and what not. YEAH. We have a major bug problem. But the owner is a wanker and won't fork out some money to keep the place NICE.

Still, it's okay. I wouldn't stay here nor would I allow my family to stay here. But if you're just trying to stay somewhere cheap and what not we do have good breakfast. (Which I make myself five days a week here. Unless I'm off.) Muhahaha.

A few hours ago., there was yelling coming from upstairs in one of the rooms. It sounded like someone was fighting. I instantly called the room and they were like, "No, nothing is going on. Don't hear anything." I wanted to yell. Two hours later, four women in scantly clad clothing came off the elevator. Yeeeeeeeeeeah.

I don't think I've seen this many prostitutes in my life. It's really sad, because I can't imagine how someone would sell their bodies. People are always hiring, not so much now, but you get the point.

ANYWAY. Since this stupid thing just deleted half of my post. I'm just gonna cry.

Basically, I wrote about how this was a laid back job - except last week and this week because manager quit and people don't know how to do their jobs. Angel is the only one I see do work here, well of course DaddyMarijuana too. I spoke of a guest that stayed last weekend who was really cute but had some serious stuff wrong with him. He thought it was best to tell his life's story to me at 3am while I was trying to watch Shugo Chara. Yeaaaaaah, I pretty much wanted to stab him.

I'm awaiting to hear back from my friend Alaska. I sent him a package earlier today. (or would it be yesterday now?) Still! His birthday is next week and he'll be heading to Japan for a month and a half before coming home for a month. I am very excited. I hope he enjoys his presents. I got him A book about where to go in Japan -came with a map-, a book about the culture and how to not piss them off, as well as the first volume of Vampire Hunter D. (I threw in a book mark and birthday coupons!) :D

Hopefully he'll get them on Saturday and what not. I can't wait to hear what he says, I'm sure he will be shocked.

The fair is back in town and I'll be going later today. Yay! I'll also be going back tomorrow for the David Cook concert aswell. HECK YEAH. If you don't know who David Cook is you can die, you're missing out. He won American Idol last year and was the first rocker to have won. So, I'm proud of him. Plus he's amazingly yummy.

Still, I hope to enjoy the fair this year. It's something that has always been special to me. Maybe I can upload pictures of the fun later, and entice you all to get elephant ears, cotton candy, and corndogs! Mmmm.

Now I'm hungry!

Well, more to come later lovelies. I need to pack up and head out of here in a few. Till next time,

paper, scribble, ink, out.

While this is not my first blog, it is the first time I've used this site.

It's unusual to say the least, and I thought I had gotten away from writing my own thoughts and showing the internet world my life's story(or lack there of). Though, this proves that I'm a sucker for the 'norm' and will eventually be lead into cultural standards and misconceptions.

So, why am I writing still, even though it seems I may not want to talk about things pertaining not so much me, but anything? Let's see, perhaps it was a friend of mine(who is awesome) that persuaded me to start this. I thought, why not? It would help me keep in touch with her and the outside world, to a degree. Not to mention, it is a good stress reliever. Why? Uh, duh! I can let out all my ANGER. All my feelings and not feel bad or get reprimanded. <- That part makes me a little too giddy.

I wonder if most things are started out in anger. You know, to control it or to express it without penalty, or just so the person won't go off on to a real person instead of yelling (typing madly) into the keyboard. But I know sometimes, there are people who are considered normal and write these blogs. The only thing I can find consistant is that the people are lonely. I mean, if you look at it - we are just people reaching out, wanting someone out there to understand and not to judge. To just be heard.

That's hopeful thinking, which is RARE for myself. Especially in this time of my life, I am a very pessimistic person. The reasons behind that way of thinking are many. Perhaps over time I will be able to open up to this, thing.

Until that time, it's been a pleasure.