Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Catching up on the holidays.

I should update this more and you know, I just may. It is very therapeutic.

Last week I quit my job at the hotel I had just started back in April. It was a long time coming. I can't regret my decision because it definitely was and is a better hotel, company and location. Benefits and everything. Only a few hitches that became bigger ones and it was time to go. Mainly for my health: mental, physical, and emotional well being. I'll miss it, sure, but there were more cons than pros and it was time.

I've applied to other establishments and have had several interviews. Most of the jobs start in January, which is good because it means I can focus on my family and friends that I've neglected. Speaking of, my stepfather went into surgery just several minutes ago. They found cancerous cysts in his bladder and doing surgery to remove them and see if the cancer has spread or not. Hopefully it hasn't and this will be a one time thing, because I can't imagine my life let alone my mother's life without him or him being cooped up in the hospital undergoing multiple surgeries and radiation. It's a scary thing.

I'm lucky enough to have my boyfriend and half sister supporting me. Maylee understands all too well and a little bit more about this aspect considering her husband Ian just went into remission himself not too long ago. That's her husband, this is my father. Different, but both important - I'm just glad to have the support in any way I can. She's gone through this, and in more detail. She's inspiring and strong. I admire her.

Similarly, as for surgeries, my Aunt's husband is having extensive heart surgery this morning as well. So the entire Taylor/Beauregard/Ahlf clan will be praying hard today.

I'm blessed beyond words and am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. Especially family. Everyone knows that my stepfather's family is my core family. They helped raise me and instilled such wonderful teachings of how family is supposed to be - no matter how broken it may be. I think it's because they had a wonderful sister, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother in Nan - my stepdad's mum.

I'm rambling on again. Still, it's something. Right?

Saturday, August 18, 2012

it's been awhileeeee againnnnn

It's been awhile since I last updated!

I am now working for a new hotel. It is a a lot closer to home now and more money, yay for me~!

I started dating a wonderful man at the beginning of March, his name is Alex. :) He and I are doing great, so great we just moved into our place this week. Yes, I know, crazy.

"Only dating for five months and moving in...? Didn't you try to move in with your ex before? How well did that turn out?" Believe me, I know. It took a lot of talking and debating. The main reason for moving in is that it would help finances since he'll be traveling an hour and a half to school each day for the next two semesters.

"Why doesn't he get a place closer to school?" Well, they are either outrageously expensive, or completely run down. So he opted to stay in Columbia for that AND because he wanted to be able to see me more. Makes sense, right?

I am definitely homesick, even though I'm only 2 miles down the road. I miss my room, my house, my yard, -- everything about my parent's house - but mainly my mom. My dog Bella isn't adjusting to it well either, though she's doing better than I am. (I say that because I have cried each night missing home.) Hopefully this is just a temporary feeling, because I do love Alex and want to live with him, it's just different. We all know I'm overly attached to my mom, and if you didn't know that, well now you do. My mom has been everything to me. Plus that house has so many great memories. I love everything about it. To say I didn't want to move would be an understatement. I didn't want to leave my parents, or the house, yard - but I wanted to share a life with the man I love and in order to do that was to move in with him and help out.

I tend to help out a lot. I'm still helping out with bills at my parents house, my own personal ones along with some of my mother's, and now the new place with Alex. I'm stretching myself too thin, I think. I am very stressed about it. Not to mention my health...

Speaking of.. Health.. I've had a recurring kidney infection now going on for 4 weeks. Been on 4 antibiotics, have had numerous tests and shots and no results. I'm still in pain and having issues. It's completely and utterly aggravating. Another hope is that they'll have this all figured out and fix it soon. If not I may just say "screw it" and just go on.

Oh wells.

Friday, February 10, 2012

today is my mum's birthday!

Yes, today is my mother's birthday. Without her, I would not be alive, so I'm glad to celebrate this day with her. She is simply amazing. We've had our ups and downs, but we're best friends. I'm not ashamed or afraid to say that either. A lot of people wish they could be close with their parents. I am a lucky duck to be able to be so close with my momma!

Hopefully she'll have a good day today. I'm stuck at work till about 3pm, then I'm gonna head home to nap. Didn't get much sleep last night, too much on the mind and then waking up every half hour it seemed. This whole lacking of sleep is getting frustrating. It seems I'm now taking naps wherever I can since I can't seem to stay asleep for very long.

Oh crap, I forgot to inform you guys. I did end up having corrective eye surgery last month. I know, pretty quick, huh? Yeah, went in to get the consult on the 9th of January. Decided to get the epi-LASIK, which is similar to the PRK as far as healing time and what not. Got it done on the 19th, and have been glasses free.

It's been a roller coaster, to say the least. I was incredibly nervous going in there. In fact, the had to give me Valium to calm down. I went in there, with my Hello Kitty snuggie, was given a teddy bear and told to lay down. My nerves started to pick up, especially when I felt like was not laying down straight, but that my upper torso was leaning at an angle. They assured me, that it was just how the seat was made, but I was flat and not falling.

Soon after, the doctor came in with a medical student who was observing. They reassured me that he would not be doing anything, just overlooking the process and what not. Next came drops, drops that numbed my eyes. They started with the right eye first, taping my eyelashes back before using this speculum to hold open my eye lids better. This was slightly uncomfortable, but only because I felt pressure but that was it.

Next came some blurriness and weird feeling. He used a micro-polisher, which looked like one of those electric toothbrushes that goes in a circle. Well, he used that for the top layer of my eye, then the laser was put on for about 30 seconds. After that, some drops and ointment were put on the eye, and then a contact lens. After this, there was this freezing cold water they shot in my eye. It was surprising and I didn't like it at all. My eye couldn't really feel it, but the socket did. It was like a brain freeze for my eye!

After the right eye was done, they moved on to my left. The same thing was done, except they had to give me extra numbing drops because as they were putting the speculum in to hold open my eyelids, it HURT. Other than that minor thing, it went well. I was done in 15 minutes.

After the procedure, I just had to get my sunglasses on, get further instruction on what to do and what to use. My wonderful friends took me to the pharmacy to get the medicine and then I went home and slept. Over the next few days my eyes got worse as far as vision went. The pain was irritating, but not enough to take medicine. The only reason I did take anything was just so I could sleep through the whole ordeal, because I couldn't watch anything and I just wanted to get it over with.

Four days after the surgery, I went back to have the contacts remove. My vision didn't get better or worse, in fact for the next two days I felt like I still had those contacts in. I had to take a few extra days off work, due to the blurriness and light sensitivity. But returned to work a week after. I wish I had taken another week, because my eyes kept going back and forth so often. They still do, but not so bad.

Over all, so far it's bee a pretty successful thing. I get to go back in two more weeks to check and see how well I can see without glasses. It'll be fun to know where I'm at and how fast I'm healing. They said it would take a few more weeks to months till I'm able to see at the predicted optimal level. Soooo, it's a wait game. Frustrating, but understandably so.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

new year once more.

It's been a bit since I've been on here to blog. I have wanted to at several times, but never sure if I really wanted to type up all of my feelings.

Needless to say, lots of things are going on in my life these days, yet nothing at all. Tricky, eh? Yeah. I've basically been working a lot, planning a few trips, and trying to better myself. All in all it hasn't really been successful, but that may be just my state of mind right now.

Holidays were as usual. Nothing big, same ole' same ole'. My sister Heather got engaged to her boyfriend Gordi. Woot! Kinda unexpected because I would have never thought she'd get married, just shows how much I don't know about my sister. Maylee seems to be in better spirits, especially since the Cancer is gone from her hubby and she's reconnecting with her mom again.

My mom just had surgery on her hand and wrist since her arthritis has taken a toll on her bones, they had to clean up everything and what not. Let's just say, she's in a lot of pain and not even Demerol is helping her with it. ><

Working is the same thing, different day. I can't complain too much.. Well, I can but I just won't. >> The only thing I will say is I hope that everyone at work starts to feel better because they're all sick. Thank the unknown for me not getting sick so far, -knock on wood-.

I've kinda been spacey from my friends and just a bum. Not really going out or doing anything. I didn't even party for New Year's. I stayed home and slept. The original plan was to visit family in NC, but of course something happened and plans changed.It got me down and I just said, "To Hell with it all, I'm gonna sleep." So I did. Oh wells.

The only thing new or exciting for me right now is that I'll be going into seeing a surgeon tomorrow and get a consultation from him about LASIK. Yes, ladies and gents, I'm hoping I can get rid of these spectacles. Granted, they are quite a good look for me, I'm just tired of the hassle. It's a lot of upkeep and I have had them since I was seven years old. I want change, aside from my hair.

I've been having more talks with myself and God lately. Just mindless ramblings really, but sometimes I have a serious conversation and feel lost for a few minutes until something washes over me. I think it's my faith and God's love reassuring me that everything will be alright. It's a constant struggle to keep your faith in someone or something. No matter what. But I have it still. Just like I have it with a person who I probably shouldn't have it in. Well, according to some people, that is their POV.

I miss him. You ask who or which one, Chris. Cali-Chris. I heard from him finally after two months, he's been busy a lot and his Dad and him are traveling around the US and England to scatter his mum's ashes. It's what she wanted, and I know it's hard on them. I'll be going out to Cali I think in late March with my friend Roxy to hang out and cheer on her sister at a dance competition. Maybe I'll be able to meet up with him and have lunch. Then two weeks after that I have a wedding in LA to attend, my friend Mary is getting married! So many things to do, so little time and finances.

Hopefully I'll figure it all out and see what I can and can't do soon.

Friday, September 9, 2011

not knowing who to trust anymore.

I thought I just went through this.

Who to trust, who not to trust. Guess not. For it will always be a guessing game and it could always change.

I'm done though. I'm done being nice and taken advantage of. I'm done being walked over and called countless names just because I give people chances.

I'm done trying to be there for people. I'm done, done, done.

I did everything by the book. It was all laid out. Don't accuse me of something when it's not wrong. Especially in the past, on the same ground, it was done. Now, just because you're pissed you think you can put the blame on me? FUCK YOU.

You think your indiscretions won't come to light? Oh they will. In due time, and not from my mouth. I'll keep my word, it's the only thing I've got, and at least mine is not tainted by lies.

Others may not come to my defense, and that's fine. They've gotta look out for themselves this day in age, but you better fucking believe I'm not going down without a fight. No one falsely accuses me of anything and walks out unscathed. You'll get yours, one way or another. Karma has already decided.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

short update-nowittytitle.

Well, fun stuff.

I am currently working, listening to the GAMECOCK GAME! Yes, I'm a Gamecock fan. Get over it. GO COCKS! I'm pretty excited. Sad that I'm working during the game, but it'll be okay. Lots of friends have already started texting me about parties afterwards. T_T

I'd like to go out, but I went out last night with my friends Therese and her brother Anthony. Met some old grade school friends of theirs, Ryan and Brandon. They're pretty cool dudes. It was a good night all in all, despite the stupidity of work.

Ginger is currently in NC spending time with his family and best friends, Ryan, Michelle, and Matt. They all seem to be having fun, which is awesome. I think they all needed best friend time. :D Ryan got a kick out of the "bat" I got him and his wine. Michelle hasn't opened her gifts yet, but I'm sure she'll let me know. ^^

Cali-Chris and I talked last night. We were catching up with one another and he actually is saying that he wants us to finally come and visit him. This made me ecstatic! I haven't seen him since December, and then when things starting getting worse with his mom and she passed... It took all my will power to not hop on a plane and fly there, right then. So, I was somewhat surprised in our conversation when I usually tell him that if he can't make it out to us to visit, we could always come out there, and he said to come on out! This to me, is HUGE. Why? Because I've been trying for so damn long to go visit him, but never did because he said it wasn't a good time. Now? We are planning a trip so I can come out and visit soon. :D

I don't know how to feel at this point. Lots of ups and downs, thinking and searching. I want purpose. Does everyone have purpose? I'd like to think so.

Friday, September 2, 2011

All good things must come to an end...

Right?

I didn't want to end things with Ginger, not in the least, but I told him as soon as I felt more we'd have to stop. Last night, I felt more.  I don't know why or how. I didn't ask for it. He's a great guy. Friend. Lover. He makes it easy to like him and become attached. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I can't get attached. Not just because he's leaving and doesn't want a relationship while he's in the military, but also because I'm scared that I'm not the one he needs.

I'm scared of this feeling. I never expected to meet him and feel so comfortable to leave all of my inhibitions to the side. It sucks. I told him that last night, the best way I could describe this situation. It sucks. He said it's pretty shitty. I also told him... As much as I'd want to tell him I'd wait for him... I couldn't ask that of him nor myself. I wish I could tell him to believe in me, to trust me to know, that I'm not gonna hurt him... But I can't do that, even if it's true. I have stuff I need to do and so does he. I don't want either of us to feel hindered by anything. We're on the same ground. We both essentially want the same thing. Problem is, even though I'm quite logical for a female - I still have emotions. Those emotions have busted through that wall I put up and are effecting me. I shouldn't feel sad or anything. It's more of a disappointment or something ironic. That two people meet and because of how things are, they can't and won't let themselves be together because of a conscious and healthy decision.


The thing is... Is I like him. I like the man he is, I like him as a friend, I like him as a lover, I just simply like him. And that's fine, but when my mind automatically thinks something along the lines of "I don't want anyone else," where I feel a deeper connection that's not just romantic but... surreal, I have to stop. I can't allow it. It's not that I don't want it. I do. I love that feeling. That connection. But it's already going to hurt, and I don't want the pain to be worse.

I'd like to say he feels the same, but he doesn't. At least that is what he says. He says it's easier for him to separate things and that it's better to not hypothesis if things were different because it only complicates things. It does. But a part of me feels that ... That he feels the same thing, but he's just gotta stronger barrier. Though, it could just be what it is.

I don't like to brag about myself. I tend to just brush off compliments and the like... But I'm a great person. I'm nice, sweet, caring. I'm intelligent yet silly. I can cook and I'm fairly attractive. I'm easy to talk to and feel like a genuine person. I have passion and creativity...

I just wonder if he sees that at all. If he sees me. I'm a pretty straight-forward and understanding person. Probably too understanding. I think what I did was right. Not just for myself, but for him too. I respected him enough and cared about him too much to not tell him that I started feeling more. I think if I hadn't, it would have made things go very badly.

What-if's.. I can't help but to think what if this or that. I'm hardwired to think, to question, to see all the different outcomes and yet, I'm foolish to hope for a better ending. Or would it be beginning? I wish I wasn't damaged emotionally. That I was ready. I wish that he wasn't hurt and in the position he's in. But then, I wonder if we weren't... Would I still feel the way I do?

I care about everyone immensely. I shouldn't care so much, though... I do. It's not for a lack of trying. I have tried to not care so much. To only care a certain amount for certain people. And it just never works. It makes me naive...

Eh.

We've talked basically. There is no other outcome than the one that is laid out before us. He leaves for two years to another country. He doesn't want a relationship as long as he's in the military. Me? I'll be doing my study-abroad and theater work. After the two years? Who knows. I'd like to say if he and I are to meet up again and are living near one another, I'd like to have that chance. The chance at a relationship with him.

I was looking through some astrology stuff and ran across a few statements that I felt described me pretty well:
"Scorpio woman has a glorious womanhood that comes off as sweet natured, perhaps a bit quiet, and very intelligent, but there is much more going on under the surface. She is a truly complicated woman, and one of the most difficult types to understand. A mastermind of understanding the emotions and motivations of others, a Scorpio woman is not readily willing to give up her own. It takes a special type of man to make her feel as though she can sincerely trust him. But during her courtship with the right person she is strongly loyal and fine woman with all qualities of head and heart."
"Lots of love affairs and marriages can’t survive storms, but Scorpio is determined to keep the relationship intact, through her incredible will power."

It's therapeutic reading stuff like this... SIGH. Just gotta know and believe that everything happens for a reason and... if there is meant to be more one day - there will be. I'm still going to be there for him. Still his friend no matter what. 

I talked with Michelle the other night about Chris. It helped me a lot. I know that the girl before me messed him pretty bad. No details, just that she did a number on him and that's why he's all anti-relationships. Which part of me makes me feel like, "I'm better than her! I'm not gonna do whatever she did!" But I don't know. >> Still, knowing that and talking with Michelle has made me feel better to a degree.

Like she said, everything happens for a reason.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

prayers.

My cousins' father passed away this evening at 5:15 pm EST.


I hope to be able to help them if they need/want it. Hopefully without criticism from my mom too. My mom is not exactly "speaking" with this side of the family. She holds a lot of grudges for things, some are rightly so. Still, I don't want to hear any complaints about me helping them out. They're my family too.


I just ask everyone to remember... 
Everyone makes mistakes. Let's learn from them. Admit your wrongs, express your feelings, apologize, and forgive. Be a better person not just for everyone else, but for yourself as well. Remember that things happen, but it is you who decides how to handle them. Hopefully, you make good decisions.


 It's difficult to process everything, especially since tomorrow would be 16 years my grandfather, my mother's father passed away. I wish and pray with every fiber of my being that my mom will let go of this grudge and reach out to her. To express her condolences and let her know she's not alone. To help her with the loss of her father, because my mom could be a great source of comfort and knowledge. Having been through it before.


The only answer I find, is prayer.

rant. pissed. grr. sigh.

DISCLAIMER: I AM IN A PISSED OFF MOOD.

Just warning you guys in case I seem more ornery than usual.

Now, I love my job. I really do. I don't have many complaints. I mean yeah, it frustrates me sometimes and the people annoy me sometimes, but all in all I'm okay. Hopefully, this is just one of those times.

I work with my friend Angel. Whenever she gets pissed, I get pissed. People take advantage of her and abuse her niceness. I HATE THIS. It makes me really angry. Especially when "someone" is scheduling her on days she has class so they can get an extra hour in because they are ALWAYS late.

Our manager is really awesome. He's super nice, and a good guy. But he can not be on time for work to save his life. He's always 1-2 hours late. He bitches about not getting his hours, and other coworkers of ours bitches about him always being late. THEN, he decides to go in for someone else shift and takes the hours THEY need. Only one person gets full time hours = ie 40 hours a week. Because if they others had it, they would get over time because of that person's lateness. Really, we know you have issues. We know you're dealing with stuff. We know it's a difficult time and you're not a morning person. But dude, GROW UP. You're 35 fucking years old. You have a problem sleeping? Get some medicine, nyquil or beer to put you to sleep. Wake your ass up on time and get here when you're supposed to. Because you're fucking up other people's schedules. Making them lose money and making the schedule so erratic, that we can't even go and get a second job if we need to. Angel is going through a tough time and you have her scheduled on days she has classes! WTF DUDE? You're making her lose another 18 dollars a week since you can't be on time and you think that it works out since you're always late. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU. Don't get me wrong, my manager is a great guy, does great things and goes out of his way, but he's fucking with my friend and I don't care too much for that. AT ALL. He wonders why no one listens to him or goes around him, it's because he's not leadership material. If you want me to treat you as a manager, act like one. Show up on time. Make the schedule EQUAL for everyone. Don't make ALL of the females work EVERY WEEKEND. Seriously, not cool. Everyone should have at least one weekend off a month. ><

Also, don't LIE to me. I HATE LIARS. I swear to God, don't fucking lie to me. Because when you lie to me, that gives me motive to make your life a living hell and believe me, I don't like being mean.

Don't sit there and tell me you just spoke to someone when you didn't. Don't put words in other people's mouths just to fit your agenda. By you doing that, makes me lose all respect for you and will make me not want to even be a "team" player. It gives me a reason to be a complete and utter bitch. If you want me to do that, go ahead. Do it. You'll be sorry.

Just one thing after another. It's supper annoying and I hate it.

Tomorrow is going to be hard too. I don't even want to think about it, but I can't help it. Tomorrow marks the 16th anniversary of my Papa's death. 16 years. 16 fucking years. I am still amazed every year that my mother and I have made it through another year without him. If my mom didn't have me to take care of when Papa died, I think she'd have died too. Papa was the greatest man to ever have been in our lives. Mom, to say the least was a Daddy's girl. For me, Papa was the father figure to me. When Mom and Dad were separating and getting a divorce, he was the stable one. He would be there for me like my Dad should have been. And even after he passed away, he was still better than my stepfather. Now, my stepfather is an amazing man to have put up with my family and take care of us. But he's not my Papa. I appreciate him but, not nearly as much as my grandfather. UGH.

You know what else? My Aunt's daughter, her father is in the hospital... on life support. He had a nasty fall three weeks ago and has been going down hill since... I've been praying for him, even against my mother's wishes. He apparently was not a great husband to my Aunt and was very abusive. Still, he's my cousin's father, and she's a nervous wreck. :\

My mother is still having problems with my sister which is another LONG story.

The bridal shower I went to yesterday for my friend, was nice but I learned that someone I strongly dislike will be at the wedding now. >> Granted, it shouldn't effect me going, but knowing that person and how they are... It would be a bad idea if I did. So now, I'm debating on going or not. Maybe I could just go for the ceremony, ya know? I don't like being put in awkward situations or anything of the sort. ><

My best friends Jasmyn and Mike are moving in a month.. MOVING. To West Virginia, about ten hours away. I'm kinda sad about this. I don't want them to go. She just got a really good job and her relationship with Mike is better than ever. But, her step mom really wants to be closer to her teenage daughter and since Jasmyn and Mike are trying to save money, they'd move with them. Who am I going to go to randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning? Who am I gonna be able to cook and joke around with about everything? It's rather depressing. I mean.. I'm happy that they are happy, but still... I'm gonna miss them.

Which brings me to Chris - Ginger. He too, leaves next month. I don't know how to feel about this. I mean, I have this feeling where I'm sad and I know I'm going to miss him... but I don't know. Last week was great though, I got to talk to one of his best friends Michelle, and she's super sweet. Her and I have an insane amount in common. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were separated at birth. Hopefully we can continue to get to know one another and become really good friends.

I then wondered if I was sort of a substitute for her. If he was only around me because I reminded him of her. He said no. I told him it was okay if he did, but that he should probably talk things out with her if it is something more. Not to mention, if he decides to be intimate when he leaves this weekend to visit - to tell me. Because I would not be able to keep doing what we are doing. I value my health too much and it's not that I don't trust either of them to use protection, I'd just rather avoid it all together if need be. Granted, I can't tell him, "Don't sleep with anyone but me." But I can say, "if you do end up sleeping with someone else, tell me - because if I find out through other means and you were screwing me along with them, I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face...>>"

Then when I think of this, I feel really bad. I have no "claim" on him. He can do whatever he wants. I just want to know, so that way I can keep myself safe. A part of me feels protective over him too, like he's a possession. Which he's not, and I know that, but instinct is telling me, "This one is mine." Even though I know he and I are nothing more but.. friends. Sadly.

Though the difference is, is that if he wasn't leaving and I wasn't scared shitless, I'd try and be with him in a heart beat. If he had that choice, I don't think he would. Which is fine. It goes back to what I said before, you can have two people are right for one another - but it not be the right time.

Part of me just wants him to tell me how he feels. The other part? Wants him to just keep doing what he's doing. 

All I want right now? Is to spend time with him. Laugh, joke, play and just be us. I want what little time I have left with him to be great, because I'm afraid that this will be it. He and I won't have it ever again. I want to treasure it, because he's such a unique person. I'm even trying to organize a few things for him, before he leaves. I know he hasn't enjoyed his stay here in SC, so I want to give him a proper farewell. Let him know that he does have friends here and to not forget about us.

I'm hoping that this won't end up the same way as Cali. That he'll actually stay in touch and call if he needed us. I have hope, but I'm not expecting anything. He has given me his word that he'll stay in touch, and that's all I need. If he doesn't, then I can say whatever. Hahaha. >>


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

bigupdateeeee!

Okay. BIG UPDATE. Right? Right.

First things first: My sister's husband got good news yesterday, REMISSION. I'm so freaking flippin' happy. They really needed this. :D It makes me feel more at ease now, and hopefully the stress will die down and my sister can get some rest.

Second: Vegas was pretty awesome. Aside from the fact that the group I was with left me alone on the strip at 4 am FAR AWAY from our hotel.. Well, let me rephrase it. It wasn't so much a group decision as it was Rob's. SIGH. Long story short, he left me-I was mad-I got to the hotel first-slapped him when he got there-chaos ensued-yelling, crying, screaming-then forgiveness. OR SO I THOUGHT. After we got back home, it blew up again and am now no longer on speaking terms with anyone except Ada. Which is sad. Because I do miss them and care about them. I already admitted my faults and wrongs, and yet they can't...>> SIGH. I couldn't keep taking the hostility and verbal abuse. So, defriended and became kinda sorta depressed. >>

But, that's besides the point. Vegas was awesome. It is 24/7, non-stop. Saw Cirque de Soleil : LOVE. AMAZINGSHOW. Probably one of the most amazing things to witness. EVOwasINTENSE. Seriously, I was inspired to take up the fighting game world and work to go to it next year. Though, I may put that on hold. Other things are more important. The heat wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be either. It was much better than here.

Thirdly: I have been seeing someone for a little over a month now. NOW NOW. He's not a boyfriend, but a friend. We met at a house party back in late June/early July. Started hanging out more and... yeah. His name is Chris. (I KNOW! ><) But I call him Ginger, because he has red hair. ^^;

What all can I say about him? There's so much and yet not enough. I hit it off with him immediately and we both like one another and have told each other this. One little problem... He leaves for Korea next month. (AGAIN, I KNOW) Okay, big problem. He's in the military and will be stationed there for two years. We both talked about it and said that it's not the best idea to start a relationship, the chances of it failing are a lot higher than most. And I'm okay with that.

So, you would think knowing all of this I would step away and not get to know him more or anything. Especially with what happened with Cali Chris, but... I don't know. There is something about Ginger and I didn't want this moment to pass me by. I didn't want to regret anything. With that, I've explained that all I want is to spend time with him as much as possible before he goes. Not to change his mind about wanting more with me, but because I know if I held back again, I'd be a complete wreck. Maybe it's hormones or something. That COULD be it. Though, I've shut down guys before this. I just... I trust him. Which freaks me out. I feel comfortable with him yet anxious. And you know what? Even if we just stay friends, how we are, I really think I'd be okay with it. I mean, yeah it sucks that we can't pursue anything more than what we have because of where we are at in our lives, but it is what it is.


I'm beginning to learn and understand that two people could meet and be so right for one another, and it not be the right time. I've met two people like that in my life. Coincidentally enough, both of them are named Chris. The differences are that the situations and life changes they are going through. Cali having to move back home, cross-country, to help with his dying mother. Taking care of his father now in the aftermath of her death and finding out he too has cancer now. Ginger, in the military, contract, being stationed in another country, Korea.

Then again, who really knows?

Perhaps, I'm just too emotionally challenged/damaged to see the real picture.

But, I'm pretty happy. Even though he's leaving, I've had an amazing time with him and hope to have a long lasting friendship with him.